Vol. 7, Issue 2, October 6, 2009
Republican Accidentally Agrees with President about Weather
Republican Senator Bill Stanch is reeling from an encounter with President Obama in which the senator accidentally committed a serious breach of protocol by agreeing with Obama.
"He said, 'nice day, isn't it,'" mumbled the sweating Stanch, nervously adjusting his tie. "And with God as my witness, I said 'Yes, it sure is.' Oh Lord, what have I done?"
Stanch's greeting violates the RNC code prohibiting any member of the party from agreeing with Obama about anything.
"There are protocols for situations like the one Senator Stanch faced," said Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele. "While we certainly don't advocate disrespect for the executive office, there are nonetheless a variety of responses more suited to the overall message that we as a party need to be consistently delivering to the president."
According to a handbook circulated among Senate staffers, a noncommittal grunt would generally be the safest response to such a statement, although silence would be preferable if the senator in question could plausibly pretend not to have heard the president.
"For the more combative among us, a more menacing 'We'll see' would be perfectly appropriate," said Steele. "Stronger replies, such as 'The hell it is you damn socialist,' are not generally endorsed except for party members facing re-election in the deep south."
In retaliation for Stanch's unauthorized conciliatory statements to the president, the Republican party has suggested it will be looking for other candidates to endorse in the 2010 primaries, although Stanch is currently in his fourth term as senator and has enjoyed comfortable margins of victory in previous elections.
"It's all about being consistent to party values," said Steele. "We're all for bipartisanship, but there are limits."
Analysts believe that Stanch's only hope lies in the relative dearth of media coverage of the incident; despite the fact that Stanch was being interviewed by Fox News at the time of the unfortunate encounter, no mention was made of the accidental agreement on the Fox News Network.
"We just don't think that's the sort of thing our viewership wants to see," said Fox News spokesman Marvin Weyer.