Vol. 6, Issue 5, April 22, 2008
Get Away From It All

"Bittergate" Continues, As Voters Ask: Who Did Obama Bite?

Barack Obama's campaign continues to struggle against the persistent challenge posed by 'Bittergate,' as voters everywhere demand to know: "Who did he bite?"

"I mean, I always thought Obama was a gentleman," said John Ortiz, a Pennsylvania voter. "But man, biting a lady - not cool. Unless he's like a vampire or something. That, I mean, that's a medical condition, you can explain that."

"I thought vampires were supposed to be pale?" said Betty Stodd, another Pennsylvania voter. "I'm so confused. Or is that the reason that he's not all the way black? Do they even have black vampires?"

The scandal began earlier this month when a recording was leaked from a closed-door Obama fundraiser in San Francisco, when the word "bitter" was used in some context. The Clinton campaign has relentlessly worked to keep the issue squarely in the spotlight, sensing a weakness in the frustratingly teflon image Obama has enjoyed up to this point.

"Bit him, bit her: the point is, this is not behavior you want to see from a president," said Clinton in a campaign stop in Pittsburgh. "Especially if the phone rings at three in the morning. That is a time when you do not want biting of any kind to be taking place."

Despite the efforts of Clinton's campaign, however, polls show that Obama has not been significantly affected by the scandal, with numbers still comparable to those of Clinton.

"Well if he bit Hillary I guess I wouldn't mind," said a third Pennsylvania voter. "It's not like she's going to turn into a vampire or anything. 'Cause werewolves are immune to vampire bites, right?"

In a debate televised on ABC, Obama stressed that while he chose his words poorly, he was actually describing working class people in Pennsylvania, prompting a temporary spurt of outrage from audience members.

"I absolutely did not bite anyone this year, and I can prove it," said Ortiz. "I have court documentation that it has been more than 18 months since I bit anyone, not that it's any of your business."

"Bittergate" comprised most of the questions posed in the ABC debate, except for a few that focused on the American flag. However, George Stephanopoulos did manage to neatly combine both issues by inquiring when Obama stopped biting the flag.

"I never stopped - I mean, that is, I never started - oh, I see what you did there," replied Obama. "Didn't you guys used to be on my side?

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