Volume 2, Issue 5, February 3, 2004

Census Fraud Uncovered; New Hampshire Revealed to be Small, Unimportant State

In an unprecedented scandal that has the U.S. Census Bureau reeling, it has been revealed that New Hampshire is actually a small state of no particular significance.

"I cannot understand how such an egregious lapse in duty could have occurred under my watch," said C. Louis Kincannon, director of the Census Bureau. "But rest assured, I am launching a full investigation to uncover the extent of the damage."

According to federal prosecutors, agents acting on behalf of the New Hampshire state government have secretly been bribing mid-level census officials to add a decimal point to the state's population total following each census. As a result, its population has been incorrectly recorded as ten times its actual level.

"This is kind of disappointing," said Senator John F. Kerry, winner of the Democratic primary in New Hampshire last week. "I really wouldn't have spent so much time and effort in New Hampshire if I had known its population was less than that of Phoenix."

Records indicate that payments totaling over $60 million dollars have been made to a number of mid-level Census Bureau officials during the past 40 years. The actual population of New Hampshire recorded in the 2000 census was just over 1.25 million, not 12.5 million as was publicly reported. The revelation has sent the state plummeting in the national roster from 5th largest state to 40th largest, and forced political analysts nationwide to reassess the significance of the presidential primaries held there every election year.

"New Hampshire has been pulling the wool over the nation's eyes for forty years," said CNN senior analyst Jeff Greenfield. "It is especially embarrassing because despite the media coverage and candidate tours, no one took ever note of the fact that all the cities and towns are kind of small." Greenfield attributes this to poor geography skills, noting that in nationwide surveys, the average American can only locate five or six of the bigger states with certainty on a map, "and New Hampshire sure isn't one of them."

"The really big issue is all the extra congressional representatives New Hampshire's been getting," added Greenfield. According to the Constitution, states are assigned seats in the House of Representatives in proportion to their population. "My God. They've got 20 people in the House right now, 18 of whom have no right to be there. Do you realize what that means for all the legislation that's been passed since 1960?"

Not everyone is dismayed to hear about the scandal.

"I told you New Hampshire didn't count," said Democratic hopeful Howard Dean.