Vol. 2, Issue 36, October 26, 2004
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot
Humorfeed

Getting out the Vote, Or Not, By Jingo

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

With the Election approaching like the Five-fifteen to Yarsborough, I enter my usual political Routine: debates at the Pub, at the Club, and occasionally over Coffee or 12-year old Glenmorangie with a colleague. But this year, I felt inspired to do More: to contribute Positively to the elections ahead, and make the world a better Place for our Citizenry.

Now in previous years I have undertaken similarly Motivated efforts. In '87, I purchased an entire Truckful of straw hats with patriotic Ribbons for our voters; in '93, I read the entire Constitution to a Spellbound auditorium of eager young lads and Lasses at the public School: sublime! Many of them even stayed through All the Amendments, bless their little hearts.

But this year, I resolved to do something yet More tangible: Get Out the Vote.

The gentlemen at the Club, of course, all vote with Diligence and Regularity, being elderly Caucasian gentlemen with strong Political interests. But at the Pub, I declare, there may be Gains made; for some of those denizens stir not from their Stools even in the event of Fire, as was unfortunately proven in '01. Poor O'Rourke never could put down an unfinished Guinness. But! - surely these gents, who I see most every Day, could be Roused from their smoky sanctuary and sent forth to exult in the glories of modern Democracy.

I spent Five Hours there at the Eagle and Child, buying rounds of Drinks for all and holding forth on the Nobility of the Voting Process. I explained it All: Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians and Egotarians; hanging Chads and Hamilton's Federalist papers. With all due Modesty, rarely have I achieved such a pinnacle of impassioned Eloquence outside of a Court-room, where I am known for my marvelously effective (some would say Pyrrhic) closing arguments.

For naught. For it turns out that not One of them was moved to proceed to the Polls; or rather many were Moved, but most of them were either convicted Felons or citizens of Australia, inexplicably, or Both. Now that is odd, for I know for a Fact that John Todd has been managing that little Pawn-shop on Third and Main for nigh unto forty Years. I would not have Guessed him for a recent emigrant from Sydney; but there you go.

Ah well - I at least felt the cleansing Fires of Democracy stoke the furnace of my voting Heart. I am looking forward to that magical Tuesday next when I may exult in the managing of this great Nation with my vote, and I plan to Drink to that indeed.


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