Vol. 2, Issue 37, November 2, 2004
Dr. Watson Cures All.
The Apesheet

Democracy in Action!

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

I have often had Occasion to wax Rhapsodic about the impending Election Day: it is for me a Remarkable and deeply Humbling experience each and every Year. I feel the very forces of History coursing through my arm as I pull that lever, by Jove! And I have oftentimes wished that one could hold elections More Frequently, the better to continuously experience the singular Joys of democracy in Action.

This year's Election, however, has proven to be Remarkable in several Respects. Our Constitution may remain eternal, but the Trappings of democracy march on with Time, it appears. First, to-day there abounds a Delightful array of Information offered for the voter still to make up his Mind. Why, no fewer than Six people offered me most Passionate diatribes on one candidate or the Other as I waited in Line, as I signed the Registry book, and as I entered the Voting Booth. From the Volume of their discourse, and the passionate way in which they sprayed Saliva on my Cravat, I can but conclude their Passion to be Genuine. Cheers, fellows! I am sorry that the Police saw it necessary to Remove you from the polling place. Unpaid parking-tickets, perhaps.

Second, it appears that, in an effort not to Privilege one voting system over Another, several are being used at Once. Hence I saw a regular Voting booth, with the normal Lever; a Difference-engine of some sort; and an Oatmeal-box with the words "Official Ballot Box," all in use at one Polling Place. What inventiveness in the name of Democracy!

Third, and I am quite surprised at this, they have apparently re-introduced Segregated Voting for Minorities. At least, so it Appeared, for each and every person with any significant Hue to their skin who presented him or herself at the Polling Station was told that there was a Problem with their Registration and they could not Vote. I wonder how on Earth that got through Congress. I confess I find it highly Disturbing.

Last, I had no idea that Multiple Ballots were permitted. But apparently, for a very nominal Fee, one may vote Several Times. The chap Ahead of me purchased Five Pulls of the Lever for a mere forty Dollars. Now, this seems contrary to the Intentions of our founding Fathers, but I cannot deny that it is a Remarkable display of American entrepreneurial Spirit! Pity I happen to have left my Coin-purse at Home.

These changes are so Numerous I declare it shall take me a Day or two to recover from them. However the Election turns out, I may rest Comfortably assured, at least, that the wheels of Democracy turn without a Hitch, and that our Elections remain as Trustworthy and Reliable as our Leaders.

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