Vol. 2, Issue 35, October 12, 2004
A Peerless Liniment Experience
DeadBrain USA

Why Man's Best Friend Cannot Run for President

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

Our Constitution is truly the Bedrock of our society, whence sprout the ornate Columns of our institutions, the Steps leading their stately (and at times Troubled) way through the years of our History; and the Statues of many fine dead people, who are fine not because they are Dead but because they did great Things for our nation.

But alas: it is also as Firm and Unyielding as stone. To amend it requires a great deal of careful Chiseling, so to speak - or rather, quite a bit of Dynamite to judge from some of the recent Amendments proposed. To undertake such effort requires truly Heroic amounts of Focus, Concentration, and Money; which means for all Practical purposes that the Constitution is set in Stone, so to speak. And this poses problems for some politicians of foreign Provenance who may wish to run for President; for while we are willing to Gift the tired, the Poor, the huddled Masses yearning to breathe Free with citizenship, our Constitution reserves the highest office for American-born.

There is however a more Insidious provision than that which prevents our Austrian-born governor for essaying this most high Office: an Age Limit of Thirty-Five.

That is correct, good readers - one is not Eligible for the Presidency until one has passed this purported age of Maturity. What is so special about Thirty-Five, I ask you? The logic of our founding Fathers, normally so refreshingly Bold, escapes me on this point. It is an age when one is too Young to possess a fine head of grizzled Hair - certainly an Authoritative Attribute - and yet too Old to possess the first blush of Youth. One may be a Senator at but Thirty: is the difference so great between these Jobs? The word Senator, in fact, stems from the Latin for "senior citizen." If there were a Job which required a long white Beard, surely this would be it.

But most sadly, this age limit precludes any of Man's best Friends from running for office, to wit Hound dogs. I have yet to meet a thirty-five year old Hound, and it is a pity, for I think that many of our canine companions are Admirably Suited for the Job.

To be President, it helps to be of commanding appearance, combining power and swiftness with keen sight (such as an Irish Wolfhound); bold and energetic (such as a Norwegian Elkhound); spirited and courageous (such as a Great Dane); elegant of Carriage, reflecting great dignity and Loyalty (such as a Doberman Pinscher). I regret to say that our current Commander in Chief, and his rival for that matter, seem to be Lacking in these most basic qualities. Moreover, Obedience seems to be highly prized among our leaders these days, and I can name Fifty breeds which could do the job admirably.

Good Senators and Congressmen, should you consider Amending our Constitution to open the doors of the White House to the Governator, may I humbly suggest you also lift this senseless Ageist ban? I know a simply splendid Schnauzer who I would back Fully in 2008.


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