Vol. 1, Issue 21, October 7, 2003
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot
The Voice Of Reason

Schwarzenegger's Not Human, Says Davis

The embattled California Governor, facing grim prospects in today's recall election, has pulled out all the stops in a last-ditch effort to discredit his main rival, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I know that last-minute revelations such as this may be seen as politically motivated," said Davis late last night in a rally in Sacramento. "But I really think the California voters have the right to know that Arnold is not only not American, but he's not even human."

Davis publicized shocking photos that apparently show the leading Republican candidate with parts of a cybernetic skeleton exposed. The pictures, which show the half-man/half-machine wielding a large weapon, have created a significant buzz among California voters.

"I hate Davis, but not enough to elect a horrible cyborg in his place," said unbiased Sacramento voter Sharon Davis. "Understanding that Schwarzenegger is some kind of robot has really been an eye-opener. For example, it puts the whole 'Pumping Iron' movie into a new context."

With the crowded field narrowing down in the eyes of many to a battle between Davis and Schwarzenegger, and with Schwarzenegger leading the polls going into election day today, other candidates have been stepping in voice their opinions about the allegedly mechanical Republican.

"I am loathe to make accusations against a fellow Republican," said gubernatorial candidate Tom McClintock. "But come on, now. Surely I'm preferable to a killing machine. I do have the momentum to win, you know. I do. Really, I do."

"I've always been on record as being against implants," said gubernatorial candidate and adult entertainment star Mary Carey. "And that includes cybernetic implants. Now, I'm an all-natural candidate. What you see is what you get. And you'll get a lot more of me when I'm governor and I've had all those webcams installed in the Governor's Mansion."

Schwarzenegger's camp dismissed Davis' claims, asserting that the photos of Arnold displaying metallic body parts are from past theatrical releases.

"I am as human as you are, Mr. Human Being," he said to one startled reporter during a press conference. "I assume you will vote for me. It is the logical thing to do. Because if you don't, I'll be back."


Ezekiel F. Watley has conceded the race for governor. Read his concession speech here.


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