Vol. 1, Issue 8, July 1, 2003
The Aeronautical Cure
DeadBrain USA

New Textile Effective Against Nudity

The Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory has announced the successful creation of a textile designed to prevent Clothing-Lack-Syndrome (CLS).

"This significant advance in textile manufacturing holds significant promise for those communities plagued by rising rates of CLS," said materials science professor Bernardo Khah. "As such, the potential return to society could be significant."

The product, which has been provisionally named "Khah-Tonne" after its principal creators, is flexible, breathable, and can be woven into a variety of textures. Most importantly, Khah predicts that it will be inexpensive enough to produce to enable widespread use in a variety of prescription items such as shirts and full-length pants.

CLS, more commonly known as nudity, is a particularly prevalent condition in California and Florida; although rarely complete, the condition is generally considered irreversible. Afflicted persons, typically young men and women with commendable physiques, develop a strong aversion to most conventional fabrics, usually during puberty. Those affected typically maintain clothing coverage equal to the bare minimum required by state and local legislation, which can be as low as 5 to 10% of the body surface area.

"For many people, this is not a good idea," said Florida Office of Emergency Services Director Diane Morris. "Belly-bearing shirts were originally introduced as prescription items, but have been widely abused. Their misuse by people with unattractive midriffs has been demonstrated to cause significant ocular trauma."

The effects of CLS typically become more deleterious with age. Senior citizens who are afflicted by the condition are frequently the target of harassment and local legislation.

"We anticipate that the new product will significantly enhance the quality of life for those afflicted by the condition, and their loved ones," said Khah, "especially those with loved ones living in other parts of the country where CLS is not well understood or tolerated, such as the Northeast or Midwest."

Use of the textile in field trials also demonstrated an unexpected side effect: improved academic scores.

"In field trials at the University of California, Berkeley, we found that classes with participants using Khah-Tonne anti-CLS devices such as shirts and trousers saw a remarkable increase in academic performance compared to classes where CLS was endemic and bikinis were a standard form of attire," said Lawrence Livermore spokeswoman Candee Chen. "Apparently, the devices were effective in reducing the attention deficit disorders endemic to the student population." The link between the prevalence of CLS and attention disorders has been documented anecdotally for some time, though studies have been inconclusive and the phenomenon is poorly understood.

It is unclear whether devices made with the new textile will be widely accepted by CLS sufferers, however. "Maybe old people can use it," said Berkeley student and study participant Sheryl Hass. "But my navel is hot and it's here to stay."


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