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Starbucks Expansion Theorem Proven

One of the most famous mathematical conundrums of our time has apparently been solved, according
to mathematicians at the California Institute of Technology.

Assistant Professor Yannick Bryce, a fast-rising star in the Mathematics department at the
California Institute of Technology, has unveiled a proof for Buck's Last Theorem. This theorem,
which was found jotted down in the margins of an espresso machine operating manual, posits that the
total number of Starbucks locations will always increase at a rate that exceeds the expectations of
American society by a rate of exactly [(x+1)/100] +y percentage points, where x represents
milligrams of caffeine consumed per day and y represents the average number of espresso shots added
per drink consumed in the continental United States.

The theorem was set forth by Anthony "Buck" Rogers, who founded the popular coffee shop with his
lover of 21 years, comic strip heroine Brenda Starr. It was his last, and indeed only, theorem. He
used it to demonstrate the growth potential of the company to potential investors in the 1970s.
Although Rogers later admitted shortly before his death that he had made the theorem up to placate
his financial backers, it has correlated with Starbucks' actual expansion to an astonishing degree
of precision.

"This is a significant day for mathematicians everywhere," said Professor Eric Folsom, chair of
the mathematics department at Harvard University. "The solution is counterintuitive, because most
people assume an upper limit to the amount of caffeine a human being can consume." This is now
known to be false, following the startling December 2002 study published in Nature which documented
blood levels approaching 110% pure caffeine in several California communities. "The Nature article
really opened up possibilities, and Bryce ran with them."

Starbucks has expanded from one location in 1971 to 5,886 as of 5:17 p.m., EST yesterday. The
distinctive green and white logo now forms a pattern across the country which is reportedly visible
from space.

Neither Bryce nor Starbucks would comment for this article, since reporters could not find the
former in the phone book and Jeanne, the barista at the Starbucks down the street, stated she had
not heard of Bryce or his work. This reporter did not care, however, since Jeanne is cute and makes
a fairly drinkable latte.