Vol. 1, Issue 1, May 13, 2003
The Joy of Liquid Shrimp!
The Apesheet

Survey Links Telephones to Gastrointestinal Ailments

A survey conducted by the University of Illinois has found a startlingly strong correlation between the presence of telephones in a home and gastrointestinal bloating and discomfort among the occupants, said a spokesman today.

"Of those respondents who had experienced moderate to severe gastrointestinal discomfort in the previous 48 hours, a remarkable one hundred percent also had telephones," said Dr. Barbara Smialski in a prepared statement. "What's more, nearly all of these respondents actually had telephones in their kitchens, where food is prepared."

The telephone survey also found that all respondents claiming respiratory difficulties had telephones, but the authors of the survey did not reach any conclusions in this regard.

"As a civic leader who both owns a telephone and experiences bloating and discomfort on a regular basis, I am extremely concerned about these findings," said Marvin Rutledge, lieutenant governor of Illinois. "It turns out that telephones emit 'electromagnetic radiation,' which is apparently the same kind of radiation released by nuclear weapons. I am appalled that our nation has allowed such recklessly dangerous technology in our citizens' homes."

Several telephone companies were contacted for comment, but reporters were unable to navigate the menu options on their automatic answering systems and did not succeed in talking to a live human being.

"While further study is called for, these findings are critical enough that we feel immediate action should be taken to protect citizens from possible harm," said Dr. Smialski. She recommended that concerned citizens place all telephones in lead boxes with walls at least 1/2" thick for the time being.

"We just can't afford not to," she warned.

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