Vol. 8, Issue 3, May 4, 2010
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot
DeadBrain UK

Lettuce Leaves BLT, Citing Infidelity

The L in BLT has announced that he she is leaving the trio, stunning the club-sandwich crowd and leaving other sandwiches scrambling in the biggest shakeup to hit the light luncheon world since the watercress crop failure of 1902.

"I have had goddamn enough of this ménage à trois," said Lettuce with tears running down her face, or perhaps just some condensation left over from her last rinse. "I've been a third wheel for far too long. That red-headed hussy wants Bacon, she can have him."

Bacon, the leader of the group, famously and, some say, shamelessly moonlights in many other sandwiches. However the BLT is his own venue, the one place where he has pride of place as the headliner.

"He'll jump into bread with pretty much anything to make a quick buck," sniffled Lettuce. "And then he comes back to us, smelling of expensive French condiments, with avocado still on his shirt, and has the gall to laugh at me and tell me I'm nothing more than 'texture'. Well, I've been putting up with that fatty bastard for long enough. He's just a total pig."

The BLT burst onto the scene in the 1920s, playing largely in jazz clubs and speakeasies. At the time, the combination of the racy red firebrand Tomato with the staid English tea-time couple of Bacon and Lettuce was seen as daringly integrated, especially as the trio never quite specified the precise nature of their relationship. Over time, however, it became increasingly apparent that Bacon had a distinct preference for his curvy crimson partner, and that Lettuce was very unhappy about it.

"Yeah, she keeps the roof over our heads, keeps the mayo from gettin' all over the place," said Bacon in an interview on Larry King last year. "But c'mon. A hot tomato is a hot tomato, if you know what I mean; she's a plum choice. Lettuce is too intellectual, you know? It's like she's all head and nothing else."

"She really wasn't a lot of fun at parties," confessed Toast, who sometimes played backup for the trio in the 70s and early 80s. "Really sort of cold to everyone. Bread and I used to call her the Iceberg Queen behind her back." He paused thoughtfully before adding, "I know it was a crumby thing to do, but no matter how you slice it, that's just kind of the way we were."

Tomato, a notorious hothead whose temper tantrums have fueled many a tabloid story, refused to comment for this story, telling reporters instead they should just "cherry-pick the best bits from last year's headlines."

It is unclear whether Lettuce will be moving to a different sandwich combo, or just laying low in her Boston apartment.

"I've known for a long time that this is the right thing to do," she said solemnly. "It's just time for me to leaf."


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