Vol. 8, Issue 1, February 9, 2010
State of Massachusetts Hung Over, Can't Recall January
The entire population of Massachusetts apparently awoke on February 7 with a massive hangover, following an historic New Year's party that lasted over a month.
"Man oh man," whined Framingham resident Betty Stockton, hunched over a large cup of black coffee and wincing at the normal city sounds of the morning. "That was some pahty, let me tell you."
In a creative bid to boost the local economy, state leaders enlisted the aid of Boston's many breweries to hold a "party to end all parties," with limitless free beer for every adult of drinking age and a temporary suspension of all parking restrictions in the state.
"The beer was pretty good, but when they told us about the pahking, that's when we really realized this was gonna be a major event," grimaced Marvin Prosser, a web developer in Cambridge, holding a cool cloth over his eyes and washing down large quantities of Advil with herbal tea. "I cahn't remember a damn thing for the last four weeks. What a celebration!"
Boston started getting back to business on Monday with an unusually subdued tone, as residents staggered back to work and attempted to resume their normal lives fighting whanging headaches, omnipresent nausea, and significant memory gaps. The collective consensus seems to be that the party was "worth it", though, resulting in surprisingly little destruction and no serious health issues, aside from the hangover that everyone is experiencing. However, Massachusetts residents are waking up to a number of pranks which they apparently committed during their lengthy inebriation.
"I don't remember doing any of this, but apparently I helped paint a giant portrait of the Yale mascot in Harvard square," chuckled Bostonite Terrence Loman, wincing as he dimmed the lights in his office. "Pretty good job considering how plastered we all were."
Other pranks of which residents have no memory include an artistic collection of street signs now decorating Cape Cod and mustaches removed from or added to various public statues, depending on the original state of their facial hair.
"Boy I wish I could remember more from the past few weeks," said Loman, picking up a newspaper. "Sounds like we were up to all sorts of mischief... Wait a minute. Who's Scott Brown?"
