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The Specious Report

Vermont Caught Trying to Sneak Over To Canada

The state of Vermont was caught trying to unobtrusively join Canada last week, leading to cries of outrage from members of Congress and defiant statements from the would-be Canadian province.

"Like, we thought something was fishy when they asked us if we had anything to declare going in," said Norville Rogers, a conventioneer who attended a pizza-making convention in Vermont with friends over the weekend. "And then when we tried to cross back into New York, things really got scary."

Rogers and three friends, who run a private investigation agency, were stopped at the New York border upon their return and detained because they lacked proper identification for themselves and a license for their dog. However, a full investigation revealed that they did not, in fact, need these documents to cross into New York from Vermont.

Nearly sixty percent of Vermont citizens voted for John Kerry; Kerry's defeat convinced some that it was time to leave the United States. The fledgling "Second Vermont Republic" movement gained some attention when it called for a return to its "natural status" as an independent republic, as it was between 1777 and 1791.

"The Second Republic movement had its points, but forming a completely new nation seemed a little bit radical," said Vermont governor Jim Douglas. "Besides, we were sure the U.S. would just send in troops. Now, if we became a part of Canada, we thought we'd have a little more security."

Apparently, in early December 2004, Vermont quietly posted "Welcome to Canada" signs on its borders with New York, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire. Within two weeks, U.S. border patrol agents showed up and set up border checkpoints on the new "Canadian" border.

"We just assumed we were supposed to be there," said officer Thomas Parks sheepishly. "We didn't think anything of it because we're always finding huge stretches of undefended border somewhere or other."

Rogers and his friends were relieved at the finding because, while appreciable quantities of cannabis were found in their van, the Vermont/New York border check - and hence the search - were deemed unconstitutional and inadmissible in court. Meanwhile, the National Guard has occupied Montpelier City and taken Governor Douglas into custody.

"We would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids," snarled Douglas as he was taken to an undetermined location by Homeland Security officials for non-Geneva Convention questioning.


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