Vol. 5, Issue 3, April 24, 2007
A Peerless Liniment Experience
The Apesheet

Was T. Rex Genetically Engineered? Irresponsible Journalists Say "Maybe"

At a press conference by scientists, journalists willfully applied more exciting interpretations to the scientists' findings, prompting speculation that Tyrannosaurus Rex was artificially created by a past civilization.

"When did you stop denying that Tyrannosaurus was a genetic experiment performed by mesozoic reptile-men?" asked Parson Brant of the New York Times.

"Well, we've never denied that..." started Mary Schweitzer, a molecular paleontologist at North Carolina State University.

"You've never denied that T. rex was a gigantic war beast which terrorized the helpless inhabitants of North America in caveman times?" pressed Cecilia Barnes of the Boston Herald. "Wouldn't a monster like that have been able to devour entire families at a single gulp?"

"Let's get one thing straight," said Schweitzer. "Dinosaurs and cavemen never coexisted..."

"Is that because the Tyrannosaurs ate all the people they could find?" said Brant excitedly. "Why do you think the mesozoic reptile-men harbored such an enduring hatred for early man? Was it because they secretly desired our women?'

Schweitzer attempted to steer the press conference back to a discussion of the technique used to analyze T. rex collagen using a fluorescent molecule.

"So you're saying that Tyrannosaurus actually glowed in the dark?" interposed Marlan Stevens from the San Francisco Chronicle. "Was that so it could find our ancestors at night? I have read," he explained to the other reporters present, "that our ancestors were primarily nocturnal."

Schweitzer, clearly frustrated at the startling truths being uncovered by the acute journalists in the room, began displaying a series of PowerPoint slides containing diagrams of molecules and proteins. The reporters were too busy asking questions about the terrible experiment and the laboratory conditions that the reptile-men must have endured to create such a beast.

"Isn't it true that the Pentagon has secretly obtained samples of T. rex DNA from your lab without your knowledge in order to create a new race of cloned Tyrannosaurs for use in counter-terrorism?" asked Harmon Greely from CNN.

"How could I know whether something has occured without my knowledge?" responded an angry Schweitzer. "But in any event, we don't have any DNA from the Tyrannosaur!"

"Because the government took it!" deduced Greely, leading to murmurs of surprise and fascination from the assembled journalists.

With that, Schweitzer ended the press conference, hurling small objects after the reporters who hastily sought out the nearest Wi-Fi zones in order to submit their stories.

"I love science stories," admitted Brant. "It's nice to be able to stick to cold, hard facts."

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