Vol. 2, Issue 39, November 23, 2004
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot
No Apologies Press

Homeland Security Plan to Rely on Dinosaur Patrols

The Department of Homeland Security has announced that it is directing a substantial portion of its funding into genetic engineering research and development, in order to create a custom security force to be activated by 2014.

"To be effective, our national security strategy must be proactive and innovative," said Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge. "We have explored many options to improve the safety of all Americans while preserving our freedom and our way of life, and frankly I think this is the best proposal yet."

The "Jurassic Defense Network" will consist of dinosaurs engineered from DNA preserved in blood-sucking insects entombed in amber. The Homeland Security program calls for a perimeter guard of Velociraptors and Tyrannosaurus Rex, bipedal carnivores ranging up to 46 feet in length, to patrol US borders. The total number of dinosaurs ultimately to be employed in this manner will run "into the thousands," said Homeland Security officials.

"We understand that there are serious logistical concerns with this plan," said Ridge. "However, after several of us rented the docudrama "Jurassic Park" over the weekend, we realized that it should be technically feasible, provided that certain logistical obstacles can be overcome."

These logistical obstacles include the retrieval of any viable dinosaur DNA from amber-entombed insects, the complete scientific implausibility of successfully producing a living animal from 160 million year old genetic material, and the lack of any proposed means to control the dinosaurs if they are created.

"They said they were going to do what?" said Professor Gerald Raimes, of the Duke University Department of Genetics. "And they are going to spend how much on this? Is this plan supposed to make me feel safer? Because it sure isn't doing the trick for me."

The projected costs of the project are approximately $47 billion per year, which will require the elimination of most other security measures implemented since 2001. Some observers have expressed concern about the proposed reallocation of Homeland Security funding, since even the most optimistic estimates do not predict an active dinosaur border patrol within the next ten years.

"So let me get this straight: they're going to take all the money we've got earmarked for anti-terrorism, ditch the border patrols and extra policing, and invest it in pie-in-the sky genetic research," said political analyst Mara Tyler. "Wouldn't it be cheaper just to mail a million dollars to every member of Al Qaeda in the hopes of buying them off?"

Surprisingly to many, intelligence reports suggest that the announcement of the Jurassic Defense Network appears to be causing serious concern among terrorist groups, some of whom appear to be under the impression that the program is already underway.

"We saw the film of the terrible dinosaur sent by the Bush Administration to eat American liberal Jeff Goldblum," said Al-Qaeda spokesman Hamza Gassan in an interview on the Al-Jazeera network. "How can we stand against such creatures?"


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