Vol. 4, Issue 1, March 14, 2006
Bob's Not Your Uncle, Says Study
A group of scientists from the UK and Canada have disclosed that they have indisputably proved that Bob is not, in fact, your uncle, leading to widespread existential crises in the Commonwealth.
"We truly wish it were otherwise," said Niles Anderson, of the University of Toronto. "Because now it the world seems a lot more difficult as a result. Bob made everything much easier, in principle at least."
The linguistogenetic analysis was one of the first in a series funded by the British government, as part of a project which was actually designed to tackle Texas aphorisms.
"The project began as part of an effort to make sense of President Bush," confessed Anderson. "For years now, and particularly since 2003, it has become apparent to many Britons that American English, in particular the Texas dialect employed by the President, may no longer correspond as closely to the mother tongue as we had thought. In any event, what he says doesn't seem to correspond to the objective world as we understand it."
However the project found Bushisms impervious to conventional analysis, and the team quickly turned to other English aphorisms, leading to the surprising and discomfiting ejection of Bob from the family. Now, with Bob's provenance uncertain, millions of once decisive and optimistic Commonwealth citizens have found themselves paralyzed by indecision and anxiety.
"When I learned to fly this thing, they told me, you know, 'push this button here, that lever there, slap the switch, and Bob's your uncle,'" said Captain Frank Rodden of British Airways. "I had to believe it was easy, you know? But it was all a lie! A lie! Now how the hell am I going to get this plane off the ground?"
The analysis has also indicated you may in fact, be your brother's keeper, raising a host of potential liability lawsuits. But more troubling for the government is the revelation that Big Brother is not actually your sibling.
"I would never have allowed government incursions on my privacy if I had realized that Big Brother was no relation of mine," said passerby Arnie Stotz. "The first thing I'm doing when I get home is kicking him off the couch, and telling him to get a real job, dammit. Eavesdropping is no job for a grown man."
However, the study has not been able to determine if, well, you'll be a monkey's uncle.
"We realized that this may be more of a theological issue," admitted Anderson. "In any event, we're not really eager to touch it."