Vol. 3, Issue 14, June 7, 2005
Dr. Watson Cures All.
US Press News

Platitude Farm Subsidies Safe from Budget Cuts, Says Administration

Farm subsidies are slated for significant reductions in the coming years by the White House: one proposal currently being discussed is lowering the maximum amount a farm can receive each year by almost a third, and Congress approved a budget resolution in April ordering $3 billion in farm subsidy cuts over the next five years. However, it has emerged that platitude farms will continue to receive full support despite the other cuts.

"We just don't think it's fair," said Frank Harmon, who owns a subsidized wheat farm in Washington State. "What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Platitude farms and produce farms should be treated the same. Besides, produce farms are much more important to the average American. Have you ever tried to eat a platitude?"

Congress is also questioning why the Bush administration is trying to protect this minor segment of the farming industry.

"America's platitude production should follow the dictates of the market," said Senator Barbara Boxer, of California. "It's no wonder our platitude farms are in trouble with the huge quantities being produced these days. One suspects that the administration is protecting these farms out of a sense of guilt. History is repeating itself."

Indeed, the White House is famously fond of platitudes; the platitude use of the administration exceeds that of the states of New York, Pennsylvania, California, and Washington combined.

"It's good publicity, I guess, to have such a high platitude prevalence in our nation's capital," said Brandon Davis, who owns a large platitude farm in Iowa. "But at only $2 a bushel, there's no way we can make ends meet. I guess there are a lot of people worse off than me, and whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger. But still, I just want to make an honest living like everyone else."

Some analysts speculate that the administration is continuing to shore up domestic platitude production as a precautionary measure against imports.

"Texas is a leading platitude producer these days," said Jack O'Connell, an economist from the Barstowe Institute. "The president relies heavily on platitudes from his home state. However, Texas has been investing heavily in education recently; perhaps the administration is worried that this will dry up the supply a few years down the road."

While platitudes are produced around the world, American platitudes are considered in a class of their own, and it is considered unlikely that an American administration would be willing to rely on foreign imports, particularly British ones. However, the White House has so far refused to comment directly on the issue.

"President Bush supports our nation's farmers," said White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. "He's working to preserve the American dream for them, and everyone, in this great land where anything is possible. If we all work together, we can achieve that dream and preserve a great future for all Americans."

"Good Lord," muttered Davis. "If he keeps up like that, we are definitely going to need those subsidies."


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