Vol. 2, Issue 7, February 17, 2004
The Power of Lemons and Onions!
Random Perspective

Bush's Records Reveal He's a Hero

The military records recently released by President Bush have done more than offer circumstantial evidence that he served his tour of duty in the National Guard. They have apparently shown that he received several decorations as well.

"I think this puts to rest any speculation questioning the nature of the president's military service," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "In point of fact, I think some people owe the president an apology."

Apparently the records indicate that, in his time as a pilot in the Texas National Air Guard, Bush was awarded two Silver Stars, three Bronze Stars, and eighteen Purple Hearts. While the substantial gaps in the records do not specify why or exactly when Bush was awarded the medals, or in fact where he was for a substantial portion of his service, Republicans have eagerly touted the finding. Democrats, however, have been skeptical.

"I find it extremely suspicious that these new "findings" just happen to give the president a few more medals than John Kerry," said Democratic senator Edward Kennedy. Kerry is a decorated veteran who served in Vietnam; the strength of his military record has long been seen as an advantage in a contest with Bush. "I also find it incredible that Bush has not mentioned these medals in any of his previous political campaigns," added Kennedy.

The White House has said the president declined to mention the spate of awards due to his "natural modesty." He also has not revealed how he managed to earn five medals without setting foot out of Texas, nor how he survived being wounded eighteen times in the course of a year

"The maximum per-year survival rate is typically five," admitted a Pentagon spokesman. "However, it's obvious that the President is a very special person."

Democratic hopeful Kerry concurred.

"I'll be honest: a week ago, I would have thought this was beyond belief," Kerry said. "But after his nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize, anything seems possible."

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