Vol. 1, Issue 18, September 16, 2003
The Power of Lemons and Onions!
The Specious Report

New Environmental Policy A Matter Of Perspective

President Bush visited a coal-burning power plant in Michigan yesterday to announce his much-anticipated new air quality control plan.

"We are all concerned with the environment," said Bush in a press conference. "The key thing to remember is what we mean by 'environment.'"

The new plan uses what is called "Contextual Environmental Standards," or CES. Under this model, environmental regulations would be directed towards the preservation of local and regional environmental conditions prevalent within the last twenty years.

"Let's face it, trying to get our environment back to what it was like before industrialization is a pipe dream," said Bush. "When we say 'environment,' what do we mean? How far back do we want to go? Do you really want us to restore the atmosphere of the dinosaurs?"

"It seems to me twenty years is plenty long to get some kind of a baseline," continued the President. "I mean, do you remember what was even happening twenty years ago? I sure don't."

Environmental groups expressed outrage at the proposal, because pollution has actually decreased over the past two decades due to air quality control regulations.

"Most power plants would actually be able to increase their emissions substantially," said environmental watchdog group spokesman Tricia Clarke. "We have video footage of these power plant executives dancing in the streets. What is the president thinking?"

Some have noted that the president's redefinition of the term "environment" is reminiscent of the semantic games once played by former president Bill Clinton.

"This is totally different," said conservative commentator Bill O'Reilly. "And, shut up."

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