Vol. 2, Issue 5, February 3, 2004
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot

Dandelion Bioterrorism Attack Thwarted in Connecticut

Officials in Connecticut announced today that they have stopped a significant terrorist operation targeting many of America's wealthiest citizens.

"Last weekend the state police intercepted a truck carrying thirty tons of an invasive agent designed to inflict significant harm on the plant life and homesteads here in Connecticut," said Governor John G. Rowland in a press conference. "I think it is not an exaggeration to say that this is the most significant terrorist operation to date targeting Connecticut, and that we have dealt a serious blow to whoever sponsored the operation."

The truck in question was carrying large quantities of dandelion seeds and a specially modified leaf-blower designed to blow the seeds out of a hole in the side of the trailer. State police arrested Alberto Gutierrez, 34, and Marco Esteban, 26. Both men are naturalized American citizens and neither has a criminal record. The truck was stopped on the outskirts of Hartford, headed for one of the wealthiest communities in the country.

"The plan was particularly sophisticated and insidious because of the potential economic damage," said Rowland. "This agricultural assault would have crippled the lawns of many our state's wealthiest citizens, forcing a massive reallocation of resources and attention to deal with the matter."

Some, however, question whether the foiled "terrorist" attack is all that Rowland makes it out to be, speculating that Rowland is simply eager to draw media attention away from the ethical inquiries he is facing before Congress.

"There are several troubling aspects to these arrests," said Amnesty International spokesperson Amy Takaguchi in a response to the governor's press conference. "For one thing, these two are being denied basic American legal rights despite the fact that they have absolutely no apparent connection with any known terrorist organization and had no weapons, explosives, or biological agents of any kind. Furthermore, they both work for a lawn service company that operates in the area where the truck was found, a fact which we think is pretty relevant."

The White House, however did not, and seemed content with Rowland's version of events.

"An assault on the lawns of Americans is an assault on the homes of Americans," said President Bush. "And you can't have a homeland without homes. So I think this kind of success is what our Homeland Security Department is all about."

"Well," said Takaguchi, "I can't argue with that."

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