Vol. 2, Issue 3, January 20, 2004
Taking the Measure of a Man
If I may speak so Immodestly, I do believe the Watley Review to be a Shining example of the American Business world. We are Diligent, yet Caring of our valued employees (and yes, even of Ephram too). Our working Environment is both Healthful and Invigorating; I keep the Humidor in the Employee lounge well Stocked at all times, and the Couches in the News-Room where the lads are wont to Snooze are cleaned with Regularity and Rigid Attention to Detail. In Leadership I am both Firm and Benign. In short, we strive to be the Ideal Workplace.
So it was not very Surprising when Ephram brought before me one of his Cronies in search of Gainful Employment. Now, we already Employ several of Ephram's associates, but this Fellow has apparently been Out of Town.
"So, lad," I begin as I pour him a tumbler of Glenlivet (see the Spark in his Eye! The poor fellow must be quite Thirsty.) "What is your most Recently Held Occupation?" I pull no Punches in my Interviews, you may be Sure.
"I, well, have been up the River for a While," he says with a guilty look.
"Tut, tut!" I reassure him. I am already Impressed both by his Love of Nature and by the Sense of Responsibility which he evinces. "Now, there's a Time and a Place for everything, young man - but we can't spend all our time Fishing, you know."
He is suddenly Pale, his eyes darting to and Fro. Hmmph: perhaps the Scotch is not to his Liking?
"But... Yes, yes," he stammers, "it was Phishing that got me sent up the River. How on Earth did you Know?" Well, there are some things only a Trained Editor's Eye may pick Up: By a man's finger-nails, by his coat-sleeve, by his boots, by his trouser-knees, by the callosities of his forefinger and thumb, by his expression, by his shirt-cuffs - by each of these things a man's calling is plainly revealed. That all united should fail to enlighten the competent inquirer in any case is almost inconceivable. But how to Convey this to the Lad?
"Well, my boy," I say, easing back in my most Comfortable Chair, "I might modestly Say that there is Little Hidden from my eye. I can, for Instance, most Readily deduce that your little Fishing expedition had rather more to do with Banking than with a desire for Fresh Fish for the Table." So I infer: he seems rather a Banking sort to me, and I imagine the Stress of that most Unrewarding job to have Driven him to seek Solitude on a Boat.
But again he pales! An accusing look at Ephram - how now, what has my Nephew done?
"Indeed, banking indeed!" he proclaims with a bitter laugh. "Yes, I sent those fraudulent Citibank messages - yes, I was caught Phishing - Ephram, you promised not to tell!" he bursts out, before storming from the room.
Ephram merely Shakes his Head. "You do Amaze me, at Times, uncle Zeke," he says with a Grin; and he takes care to toss back the lad's unfinished Glenlivet before leaving the Room.
It is nice to know, at least, that I am still Able to Surprise my nephew now and again. If only I knew Why.