Vol. 2, Issue 2, January 13, 2004
A Peerless Liniment Experience
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The Cows are Angry, Alas

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

Unlike most of my Fellows, I am ever fond of Mondays: a crisp clean Start to the Week - down to the Wire at our Webamagraph presses! - It is Bracing to step forth into the week, Refreshed by a Pot of Elisabeth's excellent Coffee throughout the Day. But in addition to these fine Blessings which Carry me easily through a Day which lays many people Low is the Knowledge that, at the End of the Day, it is Roast Beef day at the Club.

Each week the Arrangements are executed in the most exact and punctual Manner. You never saw a finer Beef, or greater prodigality of sauce and Gravy; - and I and my Club-mates do wonderful Justice to everything set before us. It makes my heart Rejoice to observe how their wind and frost hardened faces Soften in the clatter of plates and knives and forks, and mellow in the Fire and supper heat. A glass of convivial 10-year old Aberlour afterwards, with an excellent Pipe or two of mild Cavendish, truly hits the Spot and prepares me for Tuesday, when I return to my Office and exhort my worthy Staff to crank up our Machines and roll out the next Issue of our humble Publication.

But I am greeted this Eve not by the delicious Smells I am accustomed to; it is rather a Pungent and wholly Unexpected odor. What! Curry instead! Now I am an occasional Connoisseur of the Exotic, but I am accustomed to my Meat.

"Watley," said old Mordecai Crumpett with a deflated Look about him, "it's the Cows. They've gone Mad, you see."

A mad cow! - Preposterous. To be out of one's Mind one must have a mind to be In, and everyone knows that Thinking requires the use of Images: while in the great Majority of animals there are traces of Psychical qualities or attitudes, said qualities are more markedly Differentiated in the case of human beings, as the philosopher has Observed. In short, while a man may become Angered, Enraged, or Maddened, I would not think a Cow capable of Anything more than general Annoyance. Hence, a Paradox.

But upon Reflection, I must confess that the Measure of another's Consciousness is never easy to Judge; Ephram in particular causes me to Wonder Much about what exactly constitutes the mental Faculties that ostensibly Separate us from the other Denizens of this small World. My intellect tells me that an angered Cow is unlikely, but the empirical Evidence is apparently Clear: and truth be Told, I would not be Thrilled to be the club's regular Monday Menu Feature myself.

I have thus, at least, Learned something this Monday evening: that Cows may be Mad - though I am deprived of my usual Beef in the process of the revelation. Well, at least I may look forward to my regular Tuesday meal, pure as the Fresh Waters in which it Dwells - freshly caught Salmon. I cannot Wait.


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