Volume 1, Issue 26, November 11, 2003

Jessica Simpson "A Godsend" to Network TV

ABC is ecstatic about a deal it signed with professional dimwit Jessica Simpson to have her star in a sitcom.

"We are relieved to have finally found a breakout star that our viewership can feel good about," said ABC Entertainment President Susan Lyne.

Entertainment executives have known for decades that viewers prefer to watch shows about people who are, or appear, less intelligent than they are. However, as American academic test scores and intellectual curiosity have plunged in the past several years, the networks have been struggling to find stars who fit this category.

"I think the networks realized they were in trouble when 'Friends' began to be perceived as too 'brainy,' because one of the characters [Ross] is a paleontologist," said media critic Ernie Franz. "Even Fox shows are being called 'too damn clever,' which is a truly troubling sign."

For a while, networks were able to stay ahead of the curve with reality shows, which induce people to act dumber than they are with the promise of money and fame. However, the genre has become too well established and self-aware for contestants to truly debase themselves in the name of raw greed.

Jessica Simpson's reality show "Newlyweds" has revealed her to be stunningly lacking in cognitive ability. Viewers flocked to the show as she debated the nature of 'Chicken of the Sea' tuna fish, declined Buffalo wings on the grounds that "she didn't eat buffalo," and confused a plastic bag on a beach with a jellyfish.

"I'm glad to be moving to ABC," said Simpson, "because it's easier to spell than MTV. But I like MTV too, because that's where my marriage is."