Volume 1, Issue 20, September 30, 2003

An Eye For An Eye

Having returned from my vacation, I note many Piles on my Desk which have not been Addressed; and I have had many stern Conversations with my Nephew and his friends, and many less Stern conversations with my Secretary (for Discretion is called for with the gentle Sex) about the Work which was not Done in my Absence. And then I some most Remarkable discoveries in my Mail.

As you Recall, faithful Readers, I have concluded that it is my moral Duty to engage myself in the Gubernatorial Campaign for California, a small contest which has attracted some Attention much as an Auto-Mobile wreck. And my First Discovery, astonishingly, was a sample Ballot for the race - wherein my Name is not Listed! Outrage! Calumnious Neglect! What manner of Plot has contrived to prevent the Voters of California from being duly informed of my Candidacy?

Elisabeth gently reminded me that Monies needed to be transferred to the State in order to 'Register' as a Candidate. Naturally, I objected to this Extortion on Principle. But I see now that I am paying Dearly for my principled Stand, for the State has willfully taken its cruel Revenge. I am not Listed.

Perhaps, I thought, there has been a simple Typographic error. Thus did I carefully comb the list of Names - lengthy and Tedious though the process Was - searching for the name Ezekiel F. Watley among the Crowd. I even essayed to Construct my name via Anagrams, thinking perhaps that a slovenly Civil Typesetter had failed to sort the Letters of my Name correctly. But this admittedly Entertaining endeavor proved Fruitless, alas.

I now have a Dilemma: for I have not strictly speaking been Campaigning long and hard. I did challenge the Austrian fellow to a Debate, but he Declined, asserting that I was simply a "pompous Kook."

My fellow-citizens, when a man hears himself somewhat misrepresented, it provokes him - at least, I find it so with myself; but when misrepresentation becomes very gross and palpable, it is more apt to amuse him. And so I have been amused by responses from Governor Davis, Lieutenant Governor Bustamante, Schwarzenegger, and thirty or so others. With each stony and needlessly defamatory Rejection of my earnest requests to Debate, you dig yourselves into a Political Grave, my peers.

I shall continue to Pen my requests for a Debate, and you shall hopefully Continue your faithful Adherence to the E.F. Watley Gubernatorial Campaign. I shall be most Recognizant for your Support.

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.