Vol. 1, Issue 7, June 24, 2003
Get Away From It All
The Dept. of Social Scrutiny

Third Council of Nicea Issues Proclamation on Recycling

The Third Council of Nicea has produced some recommendations suitable for the modern world, according to the Catholic Church.

"The first two Councils of Nicea were relatively productive in terms of answering contemporary questions about Christianity," said conference organizer Bishop Ernest McCullough. "With all that's happened over the last few hundred years, we felt it was time for a new one."

The first Council of Nicea was held in 325 A.D. and helped clarify and define such basic precepts as the nature of the Holy Trinity; the second, held in 787, codified, among other things, the principle of priestly celibacy. It was no surprise, then, that the new Council would address issues of similar magnitude.

"Significant concern was expressed about the recent trend in recycling," noted McCullough. "As the international recycling symbol demonstrates, it is cyclical in nature, which is somewhat inconsistent with the linear nature of the Universe as defined by the Catholic Church." Under the standard interpretation of the New Testament, the Universe has a discrete beginning, middle, and a predestined end. Debate grew acrimonious as recycling proponents argued that such programs are actually analogous to the redemption of humanity. It was felt, however, that comparing eternal souls to aluminum cans did not send the "right message."

Other discussions centered around prominent contemporary philosophical questions such as "What Would Jesus Do?" The panels concluded that Jesus would probably live in Pennsylvania and drive a Toyota, though no conclusions were reached as to whether or not he would partake of caffeinated beverages.

The town of Nicea is located in Turkey on the shores of the Black Sea. It has actually been called "Iznik" for several centuries, but Council organizers felt that using the old name of Nicea would preserve continuity and enhance publicity.

"We're especially hopeful that our online T-shirt sales will take off," said McCullough.

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