Vol. 1, Issue 12, August 5, 2003
Fizzy Tea Hits the Spot

Pope, President Agree; Not Sure What To Do

In a startling coincidence last week, Pope John Paul II and President George Bush issued nearly identical condemnations of same-sex marriages on the same day.

"It would appear that the pontiff and I are on the same page here," said the President at a briefing Saturday morning. "But don't you go getting any funny ideas about this."

Although the President has never said so openly, most American evangelical Christians share a profound distrust of the Catholic Church that dates to the nineteenth century. Likewise, the Papacy has been critical of American foreign policy and has strongly opposed recent American military intervention in Iraq.

"His Holiness is pleased to see that the American president has taken a stand that agrees with recently asserted Church doctrine," said Cardinal Hengist Julmatter in an interview. "Of course, it must be understood that this does not mean there is a hotline between the White House and the Vatican."

The White House was similarly quick to deny any connection to the Papacy.

"This don't mean I'm catching Catholicism," Bush stressed in a press conference on Monday. "No way. Actually, I'm surprised they cared about the whole gay marriage thing, since they went and appointed a homosexual bishop." When a reporter pointed out that it was actually the Episcopal church which had done this, Bush was undeterred. "Same difference," he snorted.

Although conservative Republicans and Catholics have found themselves in alignment on a variety of social and political issues in the past, Bush has been particularly cool to the Vatican since he learned that the Catholic Church supports the validity of the theory of evolution, and that the pope is Polish.

"The Constitution says, 'We the People,' not 'We the Papal,'" added Bush, eliciting laughter from around the room as the President beamed. Reporters present were unable to determine where the laughter came from, furthering media suspicions that the White House Press Room now employs a laugh track.

"We would excommunicate him," confided Cardinal Julmatter, "but his Holiness has been awfully tired lately. Besides, there is a carrier group in the Mediterranean right now."

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