Vol. 1, Issue 1, May 13, 2003
Dodo: the Other Other White Meat
The Specious Report

Rumsfeld, Ashcroft At Odds Over Deportation of Roswell Aliens

The recent surge in the scrutiny and deportation of non-resident aliens initiated by the Justice Department has led to a rift with the U.S. military, according to officials.

"Several undocumented aliens were found working in a government laboratory in New Mexico," Attorney General John Ashcroft said earlier today. "These individuals had suspicious, hairless pale-gray complexions and enormous, bulbous eyes, which I understand are physiological traits typical of some Arab populations," he said. "It could not be verified that they did not come from a terrorist nation, so they were detained." The detentions occurred as part of a massive nationwide effort to register foreigners from potentially unfriendly countries and crack down on undocumented aliens.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was apoplectic when he learned of the event.

"These individuals - who, mind you, I neither confirm nor deny knowing - may or may not have been working on top-priority military research and development," Rumsfeld said. "They may or may not have been diligently pursuing high-security work on behalf of the United States since 1947. If I knew anything about them, I would state that their detention and deportation was completely unnecessary."

Ashcroft replied that the Army did not present a convincing case for keeping the aliens, noting that they had no documentation, were not American citizens, and that military personnel in the room denied all knowledge of the undocumented alien scientists' existence even as they were being taken into custody, saying only "What scientists?"

Subsequent interrogation found that there were no indications of terrorist connections and that the individuals were not in fact of Arab extraction. However, as no one could figure out exactly where they were from, the aliens were deported to Canada, on the grounds that "they'll take anyone."

The Defense Department declined to comment further on the deportation, although the 2nd Infantry Division was mysteriously dispatched to Winnipeg for a classified "rescue operation" and a Special Operations team was later seen establishing GPS coordinates for the Attorney General's office.

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