Vol. 1, Issue 3, May 27, 2003
Dodo: the Other Other White Meat
The Specious Report

Government Explores Exporting a Different Kind of Labor

The Congressional Board of International Labor Relations is considering moving a different kind of labor south of the border: labor leading up to childbirth.

"It's common knowledge that Mexican labor is much cheaper in general," said Congressional spokesman Tom Hirosuna in a press conference this morning. "And more American women are taking advantage of the Family Medical Leave Act to take time off work. This results in lower productivity and a loss of our competitive edge."

The FMLA has long been a target of Republican lawmakers, but this is the first time they have attempted to limit use of FMLA leave in such an oblique manner.

"Well, them Mexican women are plenty good at cranking out kids, so my guess is this will be no big deal for them," opined House freshman Gunther Fromm (R). "As I see it, we'd let them take over in around the seventh or eighth month of pregnancy, when hard-working American secretaries and cashiers start to take off work - which affects American businesses. Then, after the labor and delivery's all done, we have the kids shipped back up. It's a win-win situation."

When pressed for details, neither Hirosuna nor Fromm were able to provide specifics on how this remarkable labor transfer would be accomplished, although they did mention their limitless faith in American technology and know-how.

"If anyone can do it, we can," said Fromm.

The Mexican government could not be understood for comment, as no interpreters were available today. However, it appears that they are very excited about the proposal, to the point where the Ambassador was gesticulating wildly and shouting at reporters.

"Well, it means dollars for them," said Hirosuna, "good old American greenbacks. Why wouldn't they be happy?"

Union leaders have expressed concern about losing so much labor to Mexico, but House leaders assert that the costs of using American women for this work are simply too high. "It's part of a larger trend," Fromm said. "Who are we to question the economic forces behind this motion? We need to just go with the flow."

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