Vol. 8, Issue 5, May 18, 2010
The Aeronautical Cure
SatireWire

SWAT Team Deployed to House of Gregor Samsa

Police responded to a call from the Samsa household yesterday, where the manager of a local sales organization was reportedly threatened by an unusually large insect of indeterminate species.

"We thought it was something we definitely needed to investigate," said Franz Hermann, local police captain. "I mean, you hear a story about a giant insect appearing in an apartment, the first word that comes to mind is, 'check'. So we did."

The household is supported by Gregor Samsa, a traveling Amway salesman; other occupants include his parents and sister. The situation began when Gregor was fifteen minutes late for work.

"I stopped by to check on Gregor, because I always personally visit the home of each and every member of my staff who fails to show up to work in a timely fashion," said Jeffrey Goldberg, the manager. "I mean, one has to react swiftly and vigorously to even the slightest lapse, because the employees collectively, one and all, are scoundrels."

The manager reported that when he knocked on Gregor's door, a large creature "with many small limbs, which were incessantly moving with very different motions," came out and charged him, causing him to flee. The Samsa parents soon followed.

"I threw some apples at it, I think maybe I got it with one or more," said Samsa senior, a remarkably hale and hearty sixty-year-old who nevertheless claims disability retirement because of periodic indigestion. "I don't know where the heck my son went. He had better show up for work though, because I owe Verwandlung a little money and Gregor had better pay it back for me. That's what kids are for, to pay back the debts incurred by their parents."

Police were unable to locate Gregor Samsa, and upon catching a glimpse of the creature in question, quickly called in a SWAT team.

"They're the experts here," said Hermann, watching the heavily armed team take up positions around the house.

As the scene unfolded, some neighbors questioned whether the swift police response was the most appropriate approach.

"Whatever is in that house, wherever it came from, it must be frightfully alone," said Tímea Smith, who lives next door to the Samsas. "Think about it... how much more isolated, how much more alienated can you get from normalcy? Gregor himself used to talk about how insignificant he felt, how the very world seemed to despise him sometimes just for being a little different. When faced with the different and unknown, shouldn't we react with curiosity and compassion? Shouldn't that be the proper response?"

"I know exactly what the proper response is," said Goldberg. "SWAT."


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