Vol. 7, Issue 2, October 6, 2009
Fox News Offically Breaks with Reality
Citing budget cuts and a strategy to 'get back to basics,' the Fox News Corporation has offically disengaged itself from what most people consider reality, embarking on what the company calls an 'exciting and very American new direction.'
"The nationwide coverage of the Tea Party tax protests seemed like a suitable occasion to inaugurate a new approach," said Fox News Director Joe Goebbels. "Wednesday was such a successful chapter in American history, a grassroots effort that involved no less than 75% of the American public by our estimates. We figured, why let the good times end so quickly? Why not give this historic occasion its due? Why, in effect, move on to Thursday?"
In order to recapture the vigor of the Tea Party protests, all Fox News outlets are now reporting the date as Wednesday, April 15, and will reportedly do so sporadically on an 'as-needed basis'.
"We need to drive home the message that for this new socialist regime, every day is Tax Day," added Goebbels. "Well, it seems only fair to call a spade a spade, so to speak. And I'm proud to report that proud Americans will be keeping up those Tea Party protests the entire time, and not taking anything for granted that comes from unreliable sources of information." This reportedly includes the 'liberal gravity propaganda' and the 'democrat heliocentrism conspiracy.'
Fox News has long been known for information dissemination strategies that run counter to those of other media outlets, as well as the use of finely honed ad hominem attacks. However, it has also staunchly asserted that its approach is 'fair and balanced.' For some observers, the move to dispense with reality entirely represents a refreshing clarity.
"All media outlets - indeed, all forms of human perception - inherently possess an element of subjectivity," said E. Kant of the Center for Media Studies at Stanford University. "Objective truth, the 'thing in itself' if you will, is essentially unknowable. It could be argued, then, that by unabashedly applying a purely conservative filter to reality, Fox is actually being truer to itself and to the expectations of its viewers. I sort of look forward to seeing where they take this newfound creative freedom."
"The 'fair and balanced' thing always worried me a little," confessed Fox viewer Clara Charles, of Oklahoma City. "I want my news reported fairly, as long as I agree with it. It seems unfair to me that other media sources keep telling me things I don't like hearing."
"Alan Colmes gave me the creeps," added fellow protestor Sam Buckley. "Sitting there disagreeing with Sean Hannity. Just made me sick to my stomach how any American could do that. I was so glad when they deported him to Cuba, or wherever he was from."
The Obama administration had no offical comment on the reported change, and indeed Fox News apparently abandoned its offices near the White House press room, leaving a hastily scribbled note stating that "We don't have to come to White House press conferences to report the news."
"Fox reports news?" asked an astonished administration staffer. "When did they start doing that?"