Vol. 6, Issue 9, September 30, 2008
The Aeronautical Cure
The Apesheet

First Third Bank Acquired By - Wait a minute...

In the latest development of the ongoing financial crisis plaguing the financial world, First Third Bank announced this morning that it was being sold to National Bank for a token $1 a share. "While of course we understand that depositors might be concerned, we at National want to assure all of our new customers that service will continue uninterrupted," said National CEO Thomas Bradshaw.

National, which was purchased by Eastern Financial late this morning, may have to "lay off a few thousand people," admitted Eastern CEO Wendy Greeves. "However, we feel that the National Bank holdings truly are a part of the Eastern Financial family, and we look forward to the beginning of a new and productive era."

The announcement over lunch that the Bank of Yosemite had acquired Eastern Financial after a dizzying stock plunge took investors by surprise, but customers were assured that Eastern was fully covered by the FDIC and that, furthermore, "Eastern account holders can now use the nationwide network of Yosemite ATMs, which we feel is a convenience they will enjoy!" enthused Yosemite CEO Karl Drasnia.

The FDIC's announcement early this afternoon that Yosemite Bank had failed came as "no surprise" to industry analysts, according to the Wall Street Journal. "They were deeply involved in the subprime mortgage fiasco," said Vera Astor, financial commentator for the Journal. "We've had our eye on them for some time as one of the banks likely to fail, and when the FDIC announced they were stepping in to help Union Bank purchase what's left of Yosemite at fire-sale prices, we already had the story written."

The failure of Union Bank has been the top story of the mid-afternoon, as the CEO was caught by Canadian border patrol agents trying to sneak across the border with $4.5 million in cash hidden in the trunk of his Mercedes. "It's unfortunate that our acquisition of Union Bank came under such circumstances," said Lamont Prentice of First Star Bank. "However, we believe that all our customers will benefit from the merger."

In news from later this afternoon, Pennsylvania Financial Union collapsed as it was in the process of taking over the recently failed First Star Bank, prompting Delaware Savings Trust to leap in mid-deal and snap up both of the floundering institutions. "We are happy to announce - oh heck, who are these people?" said Delaware Savings Trust CEO George Venn, watching as new CEO Ryan Tolk of the Silver Chase Bank came in to announce Silver Chase's acquisition of Delaware Savings Trust.

Before this reporter could escape the room, Silver Chase was in turn bailed out by Kensington Financial, which was purchased in a stock swap by Lone Star Savings, which collapsed under a run and was acquired by Albany Fiduciary.

In related news, the Watley Review announced that it would be discontinuing its financial section effective immediately.

"We're going to stick to restaurant reviews and county fairs from now on," said reporters.

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