Vol. 6, Issue 6, April 29, 2008
Reporters Use "Text Speak" In Articles, OMG!
The economic recession has had a serious impact on American nutrition, warned experts in a recent report, causing people to opt for inexpensive, less nutritious food choices over healthier premium products.
"We have been noticing this trend accelerate particularly in the past twelve months," said Elijah Stubb, a senior analyst for the nonprofit Melville Institute, located in Seattle. "Of particular concern is the rise of fast-food chain sales at the expense of premium products from specialty vendors. Despite superficial similarities, these mass-market substitutes generally contain far lower quantities of nutrients such as antioxidants, which are found in premium cocoa-based products used in, for example, the excellent Frappucino but not in flavored syrups used in drinks by chains such as McDonald's."
McDonald's, in fact - a perennial target for nutritional activists - came under particular fire for its recently launched line of McCafé products, which the Melville Institute alleges are deficient in key areas such as "percolation depth", "probiotic foam," and "espresso magnitude".
"The probiotic properties of a well-crafted, purely dairy-based foam medium, such as that created by skilled baristas at a premium national coffee purveyor, are simply absent from the beverages served at McDonald's," said Stubb. "We can't be sure, but we suspect that McCafé products use a foaming agent developed for use in cleaning truck parts."
According to the report, the long-term effects of inferior coffee products on America could include a wide range of physical ailments, including weight gain, weight loss, progeria, sleeplessness, and excessive drowsiness.
"The fact is, it's not known what happens to a population which isn't getting adequately prepared cappucino and frappucino infusions," said Stubb. "It is not impossible that people who settle for these lesser coffee experiences may develop a variety of compulsive behaviors as they unconsciously seek to redress the lack of truly premium, fresh-roasted coffee products in their lives. These could include such activities as incessant use of Twitter."
"That's right," Stubbs repeated to the horrified faces in the press room. "Use of McCafé products may lead directly to using Twitter. Clearly, the Food and Drug Administration should take action."
Fortunately, notes the report, the remedy is reasonably easy to implement.
"It turns out that there is already a purveyor of premium coffee and coffee-related products with an international presence, whose beverages are both uniformly delicious and much more healthful," said Stubb. "And have you tried Starbucks' new scones? I hear they're sensational!"