Vol. 6, Issue 5, April 22, 2008
Mother Nature "Wants a TiVo, Dammit"
A nationally televised Earth Day celebration held in the Rose Garden generated some unexpected controversy as the honoree, Mother Nature, was visibly displeased with the symbolic offering of a new cherry tree planted on the grounds.
"For crying out loud, I'm lousy with trees," snorted the irate maternal figure. "It's like giving someone a bag of their own hair. Nice thought, but kind of creepy. What I really want is a TiVo, dammit."
Mother Nature, more commonly known as Gaea in the Los Angeles club scene, seemed visibly bored as President Bush made a speech and announced another set of new greenhouse gas emissions goals. She smiled politely during a musical presentation by a class of fourth graders, but started drinking champagne with serious gusto when the First Lady stepped up to read some of her favorite Earth Day poems.
"I've heard them all," said Ms. Nature as she began walking around looking for hors d'oeuvres during the recitation. "And they all talk about my teeth or bosom or whatnot, despite the fact that I work very hard to keep this attractive derriere. Ever heard any poems about Nature's tight rear end? No? Me neither. What's the point of having buns of steel if no one immortalizes them in verse?"
Nature is often a surprising figure to those meeting her for the first time. Although possessed of an indefinable aura of divine and timeless femininity, she also demonstrates a knack for high fashion, a striking epicurean streak, and a remarkable indifference to many ideals considered central to her image, including reverence for unspoiled wilderness and the sanctity of life in all its forms.
"What you have to understand is that nature's all about stuff eating stuff," said the acerbic figure as she deftly sidestepped an earnest pair of Birkenstock-clad well-wishers. "I'm based on a system of endless consumption and predation. Do you know how hard I laughed at those PETA folks when they tried to sign me as a spokesman? Also, I hit some of them with bolts of lightning. Just the craziest ones, though."
Gaea has recently surprised supporters by signing a contract with Revlon to promote nail polish ("Hey, these claws don't remain red all by themselves!") and by her avid fascination for the latest gadgets.
"Trees, flowers, the fuzzy little chicks - I can do all that stuff myself," she said, scandalizing nearby dignitaries by puffing on a cigarette. "It's the high-tech toys that I really want, and no one ever thinks to give me any. I had to buy my own iPod last Christmas, for crying out loud. And no, it wasn't green."
When an event organizer quietly suggested that smoking at an Earth Day celebration sent the wrong message, Gaea laughed so hard that the nearby rosebushes exploded in a shower of petals.
"I've been smoking for four billion years," she said. "And Marlboros taste a lot better than, for example, Mount Krakatoa. The thing is, you guys assume that I'm all about what's best for humans. That's what's so cute about you." She took a deep drag on her cigarette. "You know, the Allosaurs kind of thought the same thing. But at least you guys have cooler toys."