Vol. 6, Issue 4, April 15, 2008
Microsoft "Not Evil Enough"; Joins With Rupert Murdoch
Facing stiff resistance from the Yahoo board of directors, Microsoft has turned to Rupert Murdoch to assist with its takeover bid for Yahoo. In doing so, it has created an alliance of dark forces not seen since Lex Luthor assembled the "Legion of Doom" in 1978, and possibly the greatest threat to mankind since giant robots stalked the streets of Cleveland in the 1960s.
"The problem is, for all its troubles Yahoo is still a very powerful company," said Microsoft CEO Steven Ballmer. "We have at our disposal a significant amount of evil, which is of course a major asset in any corporate takeover attempt. However, in this case, we thought maybe we just didn't have enough evil to quite get the job done. So naturally, we turned to the Murdoch empire."
Microsoft has been ranked the #1 evil in the United States by Forbes Magazine since 2005, narrowly edging out Wal-Mart following a mysterious battle in the Rockies whose details have been kept classified by the Pentagon, but which left a lot of smoke in the sky.
"We needed an ally with whom we could open a civilized dialogue," said Ballmer. "While there are many truly impressive organizations of darkness centered in the United States, our relationship with many of them is regrettably at a 'shoot on sight' stage. Mr. Murdoch's empire is based overseas and we felt that it would be a good opportunity to work together towards some common goals; you know, world domination, races of superlizards running the Treasury, that sort of thing."
The news has sent Yahoo shareholders into a panic. Initial discussions with Google were unproductive, as the self-appointed 'not evil' search giant has been struggling with a self-identity crisis.
"They're still wearing white at Google, but they keep getting different colored socks mixed in with the laundry," said financial analyst Daniel Port. "Starting to make for an eclectic wardrobe, and giving them a bit of an identity crisis to boot."
Yahoo was so desperate that they turned to AOL, which once cast such an ominous shadow across the landscape that it readily absorbed the much older and more distinguished territory of Time/Warner.
"Times have changed, though," noted Port. "In 2000, AOL was the Darth Vader of the internet. Nowadays, it's more like Dark Helmet from Spaceballs. I don't think Yahoo has done itself any favors with this overture."
Yahoo's public relations department has lifted the drawbridge and lowered the portcullis, so no comment was available from the beleaguered company. However, it did appear that couriers may have been sent to the bastion of Rupert Murdoch's nemesis, Jon Stewart of the Daily Show.
"I think if Yahoo is approaching me, they're really screwed," said Stewart. "I'm not so much the knight in white armor as the gadfly biting the tuchas of the horse the knight is riding on. Still, we're a better bet than AOL, I can tell you that."
The concentration of evil present in the unholy alliance has proved a boon for research scientists however, who rarely get a chance to observe such pure examples of evil in the wild.
"We're hoping to get a few samples once things get rolling," said Gerald Bernstrom, an evilologist at the Sandia National Laboratory. "It may seem counterintuitive, but this could be a great opportunity for the advancement of mankind. Well, parts of mankind anyway."