Education for the Otiose

World's Most Intelligent Dog Composes Ode to Beanie-Weenies

Bingo, the world's most intelligent canine, continues to stir up controversy as it was revealed that he composed a poetic ode to beanie-weenies as part of his master's degree.

"The world was astonished when Bingo learned to speak, and more astonished when he began addressing the Rotary Club," said animal behaviorist Andrew Starr. "It's just regrettable that this remarkably eloquent creature chooses primarily to discuss food, odors, and the posteriors of other canines."

There were hopes that Bingo's unprecedented educational accomplishments would herald a new era of human-canine understanding, presenting society with a perspective unfettered by human conventions and limitations. For those who hold the view that mankind has long since lost its fundamental connection to the purer world of nature, Bingo holds the promise of philosophical enlightenment - even, according to some enthusiasts, the key to a new utopia.

"I have always known that dogs are so much wiser than people," gushed Tricia Helmut, who breeds Pomeranians and sells Pomeranian-related merchandise on eBay. "The warm depths of their gaze puts everything in perspective; I can tell them anything, and I know - I just know - that if they could only talk they'd have all the answers to life's questions."

But Bingo's discourses have so far not met these expectations. His baccalaureate, earned from Oberlin College, was in an independent major focusing on the categorization of odors, and his most widely cited interview is not a philosophical discourse on animal-human relations, but a segment with Ryan Seacrest focusing on the virtues of the Manwich ®. His master's thesis, including the notorious 2,300 line poem, has been similarly vexing to those seeking a higher meaning from the world of animals.

"This is the ocean primeval. The beans in a sauce thick and savory
Delicate weenies swim by in a school, meaty fish oh so brown and small."

"It is unclear to me how this poem demonstrates a genuine understanding of either English literature or the combination of canned beans and sausage," sniffed noted professor Harold Bloom, long an outspoken critic of animal-authored poetry. "In order to develop a poetic voice of his own, Bingo must move beyond the creative inspiration of his precursors. Samuel Beckett really had the last word on beanie-weenies, as far as I'm concerned."

The dog himself is entirely unapologetic about his choice of subject matter, and sees little incentive to fulfill the expectations of starry-eyed dog owners expecting something deeper.

"Hey, let me tell you, there is not a lot more important than meat in its many forms," said the effusive canine. "The way they make it into those little tubes? And then they cook it in a sloppy sauce! Who would have thought of that? That is so amazing. It's like, art that you eat. If I made art, it would totally involve sticking bits of meat into other things, and then eating it. Hey, do you smell that?"

Still, at only three years old, Bingo is young for a dog and many hold hope that as his remarkable career reaches its maturity, his words will hold a greater wisdom, heralding the dawn of a new age of understanding.

"I will continue to wait for this wonderful creature to finally share the truths that I know he possesses," said Helmut. "And until then, I'll be serving beanie-weenies every day."

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