Vol. 4, Issue 4, April 4, 2006
Darkness and Despair Spread as CBS Doors Open for Katie Couric, Mistress of Evil
The feared witch Katie Couric (aka The Dark Lady), Mistress of the Dark Forces and Lord of All Shadows, has sent terrified shockwaves through the entertainment industry as rumors fly of an imminent takeover of the onetime bastion of light, the CBS Evening News.
"By all that's good and holy, I never thought it would come to this," said emeritus Lord of Light Walter Cronkite, who bore the mantle of Righteousness for decades before he could no longer keep the impending stormclouds at bay. "Much that is great and good in that citadel could wither at the Dark Lady's touch. Verily, I do not know how much longer the warriors of truth can keep the Beacon alight."
Couric gradually enslaved millions with her insidious morning show on NBC; by the time anyone realized what was happening, she had grown too powerful to stop. For years she has openly flaunted her dominion over the shadows, cackling with glee as she shifted from heartwarming stories to warming hearts on a skewer over an open fire.
"She laid a glamour upon our vision, and long was it before the scales fell from our eyes! Too late! Too late!" whispered a terrified Joe Goodwin, a former NBC executive who spoke anonymously. Goodwin, who is hiding from Couric's legions of flying monkeys in the basement at 378 Alhambra Lane, in Lincoln, Nebraska, 68503, was once one of the Dark Lady's minions, in the early days before she openly wore the clouds of mystic despair that today are the harbingers of her every utterance. "She devours five souls a day for breakfast, with whole milk and raisins! Please don't tell her I faked my own death to escape her employ!"
The possible move of Couric to CBS has other networks scrambling to line up suitable forces to compete in the ratings.
"I can't go into specifics, but I can say that ABC News is very close to signing one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," said network news analyst Parker Rand. "Not saying which; though if I were you, I'd start stocking up on the antibiotics, if you know what I mean."
It is unclear what effect Couric would have as the CBS News anchor, though most observers are certain that the formerly stodgy newscast would see dramatic changes.
"Right now the local affiliates are dominating the bloodlust, with the prevalent 'it bleeds, it leads' approach typical of your local news stations," said Rand. "I think that a Couric news broadcast could make even local Fox News stations look like Nickelodeon in comparison." Also of concern is Couric's well-known hunger for blood, which she sips from her trademark homey coffee mug each morning. Some fear that her power will grow too strong if given the chance to bask daily in an orgy of blood-soaked violent news.
No one dared approach Couric for a quote. It is widely believed that if she makes the move to CBS, she will leave one of her apprentices at the helm of her current dark enterprise, either Campbell "Bonecrusher" Brown or Natalie "Moonbiter" Morales. Both are skilled adepts of the dark arts.
"You know, this is all Dan Rather's fault," grumbled Cronkite. "He opened the door to let the darkness in, and we shall be paying for his failures for generations to come."