Vol. 3, Issue 22, November 1, 2005
Black Knight Sues Royals, Files for ASBO
Britain's Prince William has landed himself in legal trouble after an accidental run-in with a longtime antagonist of the royal family, generally known as the Black Knight.
"For uncounted generations Britain's so-called royals have quite simply been running roughshod over the rights of our family," said Bademagus le Noir, whose son Meleagant clashed with the prince last week. "You can't just go cutting down random passers-by just because you happen to be royalty. Well I'm holding them accountable this time, I am. It's not the bloody Dark Ages anymore. I've got video."
Prince William was undergoing a four-day evaluation for admission to the prestigious Sandhurst military academy. The evaluation included an intensive hiking and exercise regimen, part of which involved traversing a difficult wooded area on foot in full combat gear. It was here that William met Meleagant, to the dismay of both.
"It was a training exercise," said William. "The blighter was blocking the ford over the stream. He told me to stand fast and so forth and so on. I figured he was just part of the course. I mean, he did challenge me to a fight. I'm sorry for what happened and all, but he did ask for it."
The Noir family has traditionally supplemented its income with a lucrative and exclusive toll collection business and the occasional abduction of eligible young noblewomen for ransom. For centuries, the traditionally-garbed knights in black armor have been collecting fees anywhere a river is to be crossed; they are familiar sights everywhere from the darkest recesses of the Welsh forest to the Whitchurch Toll Bridge in Berkshire. Meleagant, 21, is Bademagus' only son and the titular heir to the Noir estate.
"The Prince demonstrated a shocking disregard both for the rules of chivalry and for my son's civil rights," said Bademagus. As stills from closed-circuit cameras reveal, Meleagant demanded the traditional toll from the Prince with the traditional flourish of a raised broadsword. The Prince responded with a traditional burst of fire from his traditional SA80A2 assault weapon. Meleagant is convalescing at the Cromwell Hospital in London.
"Old Arthur and his ilk may have been able to get away with this, but thankfully the tyranny of Britain's monarchy has been curtailed in recent years," said Bademagus. The Noir family is bringing a civil suit against the royal family, asking for a settlement of £ 50 million in gold bullion, a dozen "hot" noblewomen between the ages of 16 and 19, and the county of Cornwall. In addition, they have filed for an Anti-Social Behavior Order against William prohibiting the possession of anything more dangerous than a butterknife within the boundaries of Great Britain.
The royal family has declined to comment, although a notice summoning all "able-bodied" knights of the land has been posted on the Buckingham Palace website, causing knights from Elton John to David Jason to rearrange their schedules.
Despite the severity of his injuries, the young Meleagant is doing surprisingly well and is expected to be released from the hospital in a few days.
"Just a flesh wound," he said dismissively.