Vol. 3, Issue 20, September 13, 2005
Iran Warned that "Name Very Close to Iraq"
The United States warned Iran today that it has the resources to "easily" intervene in the event Iran continues to pursue WMD programs, because its name is so similar to Iraq.
"There may be some who feel that our current involvement with the Iraq occupation and with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina have stretched our resources thin," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "But Iran should note that we only need to change a single letter on the UN resolutions, a single letter on our military orders, a single letter in the President's speeches to turn our wrath from Iraq to Iran. Tehran would be well-advised to keep its head down."
An estimated 84% of military spending in the United States is allocated for paperwork and related clerical tasks. The potential to re-use documents originally prepared for weapons inspections, resolutions, and the eventual military action in Iraq would offer significant savings costs to the United States.
"I always say we need to simplify, get back to basics," commented President Bush. "That's why I don't worry about details. If we give our men and women in the armed forces more basic goals, such as "combat terrorism," instead of these complicated and specific timetables, they have a better chance of meeting expectations."
In fact, sources indicate that Bush originally asked if the resolutions condemning Iraq could abbreviate the country's name to "I," which would, in his estimation, "facilitate subsequent action against other terrorist nations beginning with that letter." The proposal was supposedly discarded after furious lobbying from India.
The military indicates that it is ready to take on any neighboring country in the Gulf region whose name begins with the letter I.
"Iraq, Iran, Israel... you know, pretty much any of them, we could just use some whiteout on the papers and bam! We're there!" said a senior U.S. military official stationed in Baghdad. "Actually, a change of scenery might be nice right now."
Iran, in turn, was quick to denounce the aggressive statement from the U.S., saying that it in turn can easily modify military documents written concerning the United Arab Emirates.
"We can very easily change this attack plan from "U.A.E." to "U.S.," warned the Iranian ambassador to the United Nations. "No one foolish enough to begin their country's name with the letter U is safe. That goes for you too, Uruguay!"
The White House remains steadfast in its warnings, however.
"I think our performance in Iraq shows exactly what we are capable of," said President Bush. "And I will not hesitate to substitute an N for a Q in the name of freedom and democracy. Not for one second. It's the least I can do."