Vol. 3, Issue 14, June 7, 2005
Dr. Watson Cures All.

The Beard Knows More Than You Think

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

In any study, no matter how well-Appointed, there is a modern publication which must surely have its Place enshrined next to even the Hoariest of leather-bound classics; I am referring, of course, to the indispensable Almanac. This perhaps is the Greatest legacy that "Poor Richard" bequeathed to his Country, his portrait on our Currency notwithstanding.

The Almanac is our guide to all that is Central to the coming year, predicting Weather and other vital Trends, offering sage how-to advice on everything from planting Sorghum to building an Out-house. There are many Versions crafted to the needs of particular Clientele. The Farmer's Almanac is surely one of the best known examples To-day, but there is also the Game-hunter's Almanac (which predicts Rhino migrations); the Bar-tender's Almanac (which offers salient Insight into the safe concoction of Absinthe and so forth); and the ever-popular Classicist's Almanac, which offers annual fresh lists of Latin and Greek neologisms for such modern invented mainstays as "difference-engine" and "Telegraph." Our own Publication uses the "Shipman's Almanac," which you may see on our Front Page and which offers hopefully Salient advice for our readers.

Now, the information and annual predictions in these estimable Publications is hardly fortune-telling: it is based on the Intuition and Knowledge of some very remarkable editors. A farmer, for instance, may foretell with very Reasonable accuracy the severity of an oncoming Winter simply by observing the thickness of the fur upon certain types of Caterpillars. Two centuries of Success have proven this remarkable brand of Wisdom worth heeding, if not pinpoint-accurate.

But truth be Told, and if I may be so forthright, I am not without my Own prognosticative gifts. For I have learned that there is an Astonishing degree of correlation between the state of my Beard and the Environment in the days, weeks, and months to come.

Astonishing you say! As did I, when first I noticed the trends. I happened to observe last fall that whenever extra static Electrical activity is present within its hirsute confines, I am much more likely to suffer a financial Mishap in the coming weeks; typically Ephram-induced, of course. When it is particularly Bushy in the late summer, you may be Sure that the coming Winter shall be quite Severe. A flyaway strand near my right Ear in the Spring is a reliable indicator of success for the local Sports teams. And the correlation of different Itches to various coming Political events is truly Stunning.

Why is this so? - I believe that my Facial hair, which has long adorned my Visage, has become a sort of Repository for the many experiences and Lessons I have learned over the years (and perhaps for not a few remnants of Supper at the Club; but I digress.) I cannot explain it, but the notion of a prescient Beard is no less preposterous than Many things I have seen in the world, such as trickle-down Economics. I wonder at times if it is not my Duty to share this wisdom with the world; is there Room on the educated person's shelf for yet another Almanac? Would it be of Use to anyone to learn what my beard, in all its age and well-brushed Wisdom, might have to say?

Zounds - there is an Itch just below and to the Left of my Chin. Do please excuse me: this is a most reliable sign that Ephram is on the prowl for my Wallet.

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