Vol. 3, Issue 12, April 26, 2005
A Peerless Liniment Experience
Perplexing Times

Tale of a True Believer

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

As I have often Noted, a delightful procession of Correspondence crosses my desk from all around the World. Many people write with splendid compliments on one of our Stories, or marvelous Philosophical observations; our readers are indeed a Noble and Valued bastion of civilization in the modern world, for which we are always Grateful.

But there is Another kind of missive we receive from time to time: crafted by someone who has Not entirely grasped the unique Nature of our site. These serious inquiries about even the most Spurious of articles are often Astounding, at times Amusing, and at times simply Alarming. A typical such Exchange might proceed Thusly:

Dear Mr. Watley: I am most interested in your recent article on constructing electronic appliances out of Cheese, which was marvelously educational. Could you please advise me as to where the research was conducted, and how I might contact the inventors? - Sincerely, M.

My good Mr. M: We are most Recognizant for your kindly Comments. However, I do feel Obliged to point out our Disclaimer, which notes that we are dedicated to the pursuit of Journalism devoid of Factual Basis. Hence, you will Understand that I cannot assist you. With every Respect, I remain, Ezekiel F. Watley.

Dear Mr. Watley: Thank you for your reply, and for explaining your publication. I was wondering however if you had the contact information for the inventors. You see, I am a mechanical engineer by trade, but come from a long line of dairy farmers. So a marriage of technology and dairy such as you describe is very interesting. I did call the university you cite in the article, but they claim they never heard of the inventors. Is the work a government secret? - Sincerely, M.

My good misguided M: Alas, perhaps I was insufficiently clear in my original Response. To wit: There are No Functional Microchips made of Cheese. Ephram invented the whole thing in an Ether-induced hallucinogenic trip. I appreciate your desire to wed your family's Traditional trade with your current occupation, but regret that I cannot help you. With every Respect, etc. etc., I remain Ezekiel Watley, Esq.

Dear Mr. Watley: Yes, thank you for your reply. However, I was wondering if you could at least tell me the real university where the "Parmesan Pentium" was built. I know you used a false name in the article, probably to protect the researchers. I made a radio out of cheddar cheese curds once, you know; I imagine the principles are the same with the Edam electronics. Any help you could give me would be appreciated! - Thanks, M.

Dear Mr. M: Zounds, sir, I most certainly cannot give you the help you need, for I am not a qualified Mental Health expert. At the risk of Repeating myself, let me state the situation once More: WE MADE IT UP. THE DEPARTMENT OF MICROELECTRONIC DAIRY ENGINEERING IS FICTIONAL. Sir, if you are Indeed a mechanical Engineer, I do hope you shall Realize the absurdity of the Proposition, and direct your attention to more Suitable and Plausible pursuits. With every Wish for a providential Monday, I remain yours in Bafflement, Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

Dear Mr. Watley: I suspect the selection of the correct cheese is the most important part. Your article mentions only some of the electronic components and the cheeses they are made from; it's not enough to build a working model from. My own designs are typically based around Swiss and Muenster, though I've dabbled in Monterey Jack as well. The thing is, if I can't produce a working dairy-based CPU by fall, I might not get tenure. Could you please just tell me what cheeses you left out of the story? You don't have to give away the real names of the scientists - I just need to know what cheese to try! Sincerely, M.

My good Mr. M: What else can I possibly say. Try some Roquefort and good luck.

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