Vol. 3, Issue 2, January 18, 2005
Get Away From It All
Random Perspective

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt Driven Apart by Wittgenstein Dispute

The much-discussed split between A-list actors Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt was not the result of disputes over raising a family or allegations of extramarital affairs, according to sources close to the Aniston/Pitt camp, but was instead the result of a long-running argument over two philosophers.

"Brad's always been a fan of Wittgenstein," confided Hanson Terrell, an assistant at the Plan B production company co-owned by the pair. "You know, kind of abstract, more focused on issues of language and so on. Jennifer, on the other hand, is a pure Karl Popper fan, all pragmatism. It's kind of amazing they got married in the first place."

Ludwig Wittgenstein and Karl Popper were prominent early twentieth-century philosophers who famously clashed over semantic issues and the role of philosophy in the real world.

"Philosophical issues exist to be solved!" Aniston was overheard shouting at Pitt during a premiere last month. "Your fixation on abstract linguistics is akin to polishing your glasses without ever using them to look at the world!" Pitt, in his turn, was heard to mutter something about phraseology and beer as he left the premiere.

Wittgenstein was the guiding light of the Vienna Circle of logical positivists, which Pitt has always identified with, noting that he is a "positive person."

"I've always been fascinated by the idea of exploring ideas of unimaginable depth and inconceivable applicability to daily life simply because they're there to be thought," Pitt told the National Enquirer in an interview last October. "Jennifer always jokes about all the time I spend thinking my 'special thoughts.'"

But Aniston was in fact fuming about the lack of social and political applicability in her husband's belief structure, and had been for some time, according to some.

"She felt Brad was screwing around with her, that when he stared into space at the beach he wasn't resolving apparent paradoxes through analyzing their phrasing, but instead checking out the brunette in the thong," said gossip columnist Mark Lisanti of The Defamer.

Although they insist that their separation is amicable, there are reports that Pitt and Aniston had an altercation involving a fireplace poker, a slammed door, and a snide remark that may or may not have reached its target.

"It's the Cambridge Moral Science Club all over again," said Lisanti. "But at least the people are prettier this time."

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