Vol. 3, Issue 1, January 4, 2005
French Nuclear Testing Foiled by Pippi Longstocking
A dispute arose in the chambers of the United Nations Security Council last week, when the Swedish ambassador stormed a meeting and charged one of the permanent Security Council members with breaking a moratorium on nuclear testing.
Dr. Pippilotta Longstocking, the Swedish ambassador to the U.N. since 1996, is described as having gained "unauthorized entry" to the meeting and charging French ambassador Jean-David Levitte, with concealing France's plans to resume nuclear testing on the Mururoa atoll in French Polynesia.
"Naughty, naughty, Mister Ambassador!" Longstocking is said to have told Levitte before tossing him in the air several times. "Fission and fusion are all well and good, but there are plenty of people down there who like their atoms just the way they are."
U.N. officials were at a loss to explain the unprecedented interruption, although Longstocking's legendary strength is by now well-documented.
"She apparently just picked up the guards at the door by their belts and left them on top of a vending machine," said Jackie Ferrard, a spokesperson for the U.N. "Ambassador Longstocking has never been much for procedure, I have to say."
Indeed, Longstocking has been a virtual legend in her home country since her childhood, when her incredible strength and spunk made headlines on a regular basis. Her striking red hair is now shot with gray, and her trademark pigtails have been exchanged for a modest bob. But she still keeps a horse on her front porch, which she casually lifts out of the way when she wants to use the front door. She is also the only Nobel Laureate in history to have brought a monkey with her to the awards ceremony.
Since her appointment as ambassador, she has regularly ruffled feathers in the staid U.N., but seems immune to any negative consequences.
"That is probably because she is always right," sighed Ferrard.
In this instance, after juggling the French ambassador for a few minutes, Longstocking snapped on a PowerPoint show which clearly showed France's illicit preparations to resume nuclear testing on the atoll. Under the stern glares of the assembled Security Council, Levitte sheepishly promised that France would discontinue the preparations immediately.
"My father's a cannibal king on Kurrekurredutt Island, of course, which is just a short canoe ride away from French Polynesia," Longstocking told assembled reporters following the debacle. "He noticed these shenanigans when he was last out shopping for snuff on Rikitea."
Sweden has not been an elected member of the Security Council since 1998, but following Longstocking's dramatic appearance, there have been calls to kick off one of the other elected countries for 2005 and add Sweden back to the group.
"You know, Denmark hasn't done much for us lately anyway; I say let's give their seat to Sweden," said Ferrard. "And things are ever so much more interesting when Amabassador Longstocking is in the room, don't you think?"