Vol. 2, Issue 40, December 7, 2004
Dodo: the Other Other White Meat
Perplexing Times

Prison Riot Traced to Alcohol-filled Holiday Twinkies

The Thanksgiving weekend riot at the Terre Haute federal penitentiary has been traced to a contraband shipment of holiday Twinkies, according to investigators.

"We are still trying to explain how the shipment managed to get through," said Harley Lappin, Terre Haute warden. "Believe me, this is not an item we normally stock in the commissary. I didn't even know they made them."

The Terre Haute, Indiana prison is home to over 1,200 maximum security prisoners, 300 of whom barricaded themselves in a cafeteria over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend singing bawdy songs and demanding everything from cable access to premium sports channels to personal visits from "that guy who runs Jack-in-the-Box with the big round head."

There were no fatalities in the riot, and only minor injuries, but the prison is scrambling to explain how the embarrassing lapse in security occurred in the first place. The motivation for the riot was a mystery as well, until forensic investigators were able to complete their analyses of the cafeteria.

"It does appear that the prisoners got their hands on several dozen cases of "Yuletide Joy! Holiday Twinkies," said Brian Catrell, senior forensic analyst for the F.B.I. "These limited-edition snack cakes are apparently soaked in brandy. Two or three of these will put you under the table."

Prison officials had not realized until now what caused the prisoners to get so rowdy because the convicts ate all the evidence before law enforcement recaptured the cafeteria.

"They had eaten all the alcoholic Twinkies, and they had burned the wrappers for warmth," noted Catrell. "We had to piece together the ashes to learn the truth. And boy, we weren't expecting this, I can assure you."

Twinkies have been around since 1933, but an alcoholic variation has never before been issued. Interstate Bakeries, the parent company of Wonder Bread, Twinkies and Hostess Cupcakes. Interstate filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy on September 22, blaming the low-carb craze that has swept the country during the past two years. In the wake of the bankruptcy, a variety of new products were introduced in an attempt to shore up flagging sales, the brandy-infused Twinkies among them.

"All I can say is that Interstate Bakeries has not demonstrated good judgment in the creation of this Twinkie variant, especially since the wrappers look almost identical to regular Twinkies," said Catrell. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to track down a missing shipment of Kahlua-soaked Hostess Cupcakes which may or may not have been shipped to Riker's Island."


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