Vol. 2, Issue 38, November 16, 2004
Democratic Party Announces New Pro-Puppy Platform
Following the defeat of presidential candidate John Kerry, the Democratic party has announced that it is completely revamping its platform in preparation for coming elections.
"A key issue in our defeat was our failure to articulate the core values of the Democratic party," said DNC chair Terry McAuliffe. "While the selection of my successor will of course play a role in defining the future of the party, we feel it necessary to let America know now what we are really all about, before we are written off as the next Green party."
The new platform eschews all attempts at walking the line on potentially controversial issues, and instead attempts to connect with what Democrats suggest are a set of "values all Americans can agree upon." This includes, and indeed is entirely limited to, a broad statement of support for "puppies, rainbows, and flowers."
"Americans made it clear in this election that they're not interested in issues," said McAuliffe. "While we were busy grappling with positions on economic development and the sociopolitical implications of the war in Iraq, getting hammered on the details, the Republicans trumped us by waving the flag and boosting vague notions of patriotism and family. Well, we won't make that mistake again. I can hardly imagine anyone objecting to our new platform."
Unfortunately, the "puppy-rainbow-flower" platform has not met with the universal acclaim that the Democrats had hoped.
"As an Allergic-American citizen, I object to the infantile glorification of canines," said Patricia Ellis, a Democrat from Florida who voted for Nader. "For all that people persist in anthropomorphizing these animals, the scientific fact is that they are festering little allergen factories, and dangerous social predators to boot."
"It's the same liberal stuff in disguise," snorted Alan Reddick, a registered Democrat from Ohio who voted for Bush. "Rainbows? Sounds like the gay agenda is still hijacking what used to be the working man's party."
"Flowers?" asked an incredulous Henry Jones, a Democrat in Iowa who hasn't voted in 20 years. "Does that mean hippies? It probably means hippies. Man, I'm glad I didn't vote this year. I didn't know Kerry was a hippy, but I should have guessed."
The GOP declined to comment officially on the new Democratic platform or the reactions of disaffected Democrats nationwide, though there were plenty of smiles throughout an already jubilant administration.
"Oh, my," said White House political advisor Karl Rove, wiping a tear of mirth from his eye. "How much easier can this get?"