Vol. 2, Issue 34, October 5, 2004
Al Qaeda May Be Controlling Mt. St. Helens, Warns White House
The Administration raised the nation's terror alert status to "red" as it announced that the seismic activity under Mt. Saint Helens was probably induced by Al Qaeda operatives based in Seattle.
"This is what the nation gets for favoring John Kerry in the debate last week," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan, sternly shaking his finger at the assembled journalists. "Clearly, the terrorist community saw the Democratic victory as a sign of weakness, and felt free to move forward with this diabolical plan."
A second long tremor early Sunday and an increase in volcanic gases strongly suggest magma is moving inside, researchers from the U.S. Geological Survey said. The mountain's alert was raised to Level 3, the highest possible, after a volcanic tremor was detected Saturday for the first time since before the mountain's 1980 eruption.
"The evidence is pretty clear," McClellan explained. "Osama Bin Laden is a major terrorist bent on world domination. Terrorists bent on world domination are fond of grandiose, destructive plans such as detonating volcanoes. Logically, the eruption of this volcano must be the work of a terrorist."
Despite the seeming implausibility of the American accusation, Al Qaeda released a statement to the Al Jazeera network shortly after the White House press conference gleefully taking full credit for the eruption.
"Of course we did it! We have always had the ability to detonate volcanoes, but we have not used this capability before out of, er, humanitarian concern," said the statement.
Democrats are highly skeptical that any technology devised by mankind has the ability to cause a volcanic eruption, but candidate John Kerry went on record stating that he is "opposed to volcanoes erupting on Americans, whatever the cause of volcanic activity."
The White House refused to release any details as to how Al Qaeda might have accomplished this astonishing feat, but Fox news pundits are speculating that a large missing shipment of Starbucks Anniversary Blend coffee beans may be involved. Starbucks, which is based in Seattle, refused to comment on the missing shipment.
The last time Mt. Saint Helens erupted, the blast obliterated the top 1,300 feet of the volcano, devastated miles of forest and buried the North Fork of the Toutle River in debris and ash as much as 600 feet deep.
"If there was ever a reason to be concerned about America's security, this is it," said President Bush as he handed an executive order doubling the budget of the Homeland Security Department to Secretary Tom Ridge.
"I have to agree," said Kerry as he watched Ridge accept the order.