Vol. 2, Issue 30, August 10, 2004
Random Numbers for All Purposes
The Specious Report

Dick Cheney Publishes Children's Book to Soften Image

Embattled vice president Dick Cheney has released a children's book in an apparent bid to soften his public image.

"So far, the public has seen the vice president as a strong compassionate leader," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "However, we think it's important for people to see that he has a compassionate side as well. That's half of being a compassionate conservative, after all."

The book, "SS" is for Super Secure! describes the heartwrenching travails of little David who, after much soul-searching, secretly informs on his lawbreaking family to the police.

"I think this proves without a doubt that the vice president has a lot to offer to the administration," said political commentator Bill O'Reilly. "You think Edwards makes the Democratic ticket likeable? Well, how many kid's books has Edwards written? Zero, my friend. Zero. Point and match to the VP."

The vice president's wife, Lynne Cheney, who has a doctorate in literature, is a successful author whose historically oriented books, such as her 2003 children's book A is for Abigail, have earned national acclaim. However, Lynne denies that she had any hand in the creation of her husband's book.

"It's his name on the cover," said Mrs. Cheney with a grim expression. "I am stating on the record that my name is in no way associated with this project. You can't prove a thing."

"Dick Cheney is often portrayed as a gruff, cynical businessman, but I think the book shows a surprising understanding of a child's imaginative world," said Scholastic editor Mark Carle. "For example, it's a nice touch that little David approaches a special "secret police" instead of the regular police. I think that's a very empowering message for kids. They love imaginary friends and secret allies which they can call upon in times of trouble."

Sales of "SS" is for Super Secure! were surprisingly brisk in the opening week, contributing to a three percent rise in the administration's popularity. In fact, the results have been so encouraging that the president has publicly considered publishing a children's book himself in the weeks leading up to the election.

"Well, I don't have the plot or anything worked out, but I've got a title: W is for George," said Bush. "Believe me, it'll be great. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with Lynne."

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