Vol. 2, Issue 18, May 4, 2004
A Peerless Liniment Experience
Humor Gazette

Greece, Turkey Threaten Ten-Year War

Still stinging after comments from France's president Chirac seemed to derail a potential bid for membership in the European Union (EU), Turkey lashed out at longtime rival Greece yesterday for what it called "unwarranted aggression."

"Greece has persistently displayed hostility and militaristic excess in response to the most common of civil matters," said Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. "Frankly, if this kind of behavior is typical of EU members, I am not so sure we would want to join after all."

Turkey, located at the crossroads of Europe and Asia and a member of NATO since 1952, is hoping to begin talks next year on joining the EU. Ten new members are joining the 15-nation union Saturday. Greece, which is already a member of the EU, has long been hostile to Turkey.

"Greece and Turkey are the only two NATO members whose national days celebrate victories over each other," said anonymous United Nations source Thomas VanHouten. "For crying out loud, they almost went to war just a few years ago over a rocky island in the Aegean inhabited solely by goats. This latest problem is hardly surprising."

At issue is the alleged infidelity of Helen Lacedaemon, who has apparently left her husband, the mayor of Sparta, and taken up residence with a Turkish businessman.

"That man came to my house on a diplomatic mission, and he stole my wife!" scowled Menelaus Lacedaemon as he pounded the podium. "I don't care if it takes ten years, but I will get her back!"

Lacedaemon has many connections with the Greek military - his brother is a general - and rumors are flying that a division has already begun mobilizing for an assault on the Turkish city where his wife and her lover reside.

"This is inexplicable given the fact that Greece is desperately trying to beef up security in time for the Olympics," noted Erdogan. "They are busy calling in extra NATO troops to ensure order, and now an entire division of the army is going to get up and unlawfully assault a fellow NATO member? Believe me when I tell you we are not going to stand for it."

Turkey is preparing for the possibility that an invading Greek army would likely use its new armored division, including the Achilles 1A tanks and the supporting Patroclus armored personnel carriers, recently purchased from France and the United States.

"The Greeks are confident in their new military equipment. But be warned," said Erdogan. "If they land on our shores, I promise an epic struggle will ensue."

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