Vol. 2, Issue 12, March 23, 2004
The Power of Lemons and Onions!
DeadBrain USA

A Most Pleasant House-Call

Ezekiel F. Watley, Esq.

Although I possess the hale and hearty Physique typical of men in the Watley family, still I am not immune to the Advancing of my Years: to-day my hair is quite a bit Grayer than it once was; it is also prone to Appear in most Unexpected places. Hence I do my Bit to maintain the Vigor of Good Health. I never fail to take a daily Constitutional, preferably after my Luncheon; I refrain from Blended and Domestic whiskies; I make sure to use only the Finest and Purest of tobaccos; I dine Religiously at the Club, whose cuisine is both Healthful and Wholesome to be sure. In every respect, this strict Regimen has resulted in the robust Health I enjoy to-day.

But Man is like a Machine; his Gears must be properly Calibrated if he is to continue Functioning. And thus every few Weeks I make sure that I subject myself to a Rigorous Physical examination. Needless to Say, a man of my Station has not the time to be forever in the Waiting Room. Fortunately, I have a most excellent Physician able to Accommodate my Needs.

The good Dr. Watson presents himself Precisely at Nine Thirty-Eight every fifth Thursday. His professional Acumen is such that he never Fails to note my Robust health from the very Moment he enters the Door. His perspicacity is Rewarded, of course, with a little Warmer of 10-year old Laphroaig while we discuss the latest Sporting Results.

The esteemed Physician then checks my Pulse, determining thereby the health of my Blood and Corpuscles. The fire of Journalism courses through my Veins, of course, and keeps my pulse Strong and Steady as a So'Western wind. Thereupon we each partake of a fine Pipeful of smoky Cyprian latakia while conversing about the News. Being a man of Letters, Dr. Watson is astonishingly well-Versed in World Affairs. It is Refreshing to share Perspectives on the political Vagaries of the World with someone outside the world of Journalism!

Then our topic of Conversation wends its steady way to my Health. Since my Constitution never Wavers from its vigorous Norm, the taking of the History is ever a Straightforward process. In fact, there is usually plenty of Time for my esteemed Physician to cast a jaundiced Eye out the door into the News-Room and to Speculate upon the many Ailments afflicting the young men Working Hard on the Couches there. Ephram in Particular is a subject of particular Interest to the Doctor: for he is an expert Phrenologist as well, and has often expressed a Desire to examine Ephram's skull. Should it ever become Available, I shall happily make it Available to him, of Course.

Since nothing can Escape the expert Eye of such a qualified Physician, hardly anything More needs to be Said. A quick dram of The Macallan, and we saunter off to Lunch at the Club, with him my honored Guest of course. He is excellent at Billiards, incidentally, and no slouch at Darts either. His purse is no Lighter for his Visit to the Club, I assure you; but the fellows begrudge him Not his luck. They make sure to Toast him Properly with some of that delightful 1927 Port they keep about for Special visitors.

Under such competent Care, I can hardly Help but Thrive. I am fortunate that my Physician is able to spare me the Time for such a Thorough and Rigorous examination. He is so Generous with his Time, and his fee is Astonishingly reasonable; I wonder that he finds it worth his While to make the House-Call. I must make sure to send him a Bottle from my Reserve - I would not want him to feel Unappreciated.


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