Vol. 2, Issue 10, March 9, 2004
Education for the Otiose
The Sleaze

Quizno's Snatches Meal Contract from Halliburton

The upstart sandwich chain Quizno's has scored a significant coup in securing a $100 million contract from the U.S. military, it was announced yesterday. The deal marks a surprising turn in the ongoing scandal with the previous meal contractor, Halliburton.

"We are totally stoked about this deal," said Quizno's CEO Richard Schaden. "You can count on our men and women in uniform getting some of the best food they've eaten since they joined the armed forces once we get underway."

Halliburton is the biggest contractor for the U.S. military in Iraq, with more than $8 billion in deals covering everything from doing laundry, building bases and providing meals to helping rebuild the oil industry. However, significant discrepancies have come to light between the number of meals billed to the Pentagon and the number served, with Halliburton agreeing to defer over $140 million in overcharges.

"We felt we had to turn to a provider not currently involved in Washington politics if we were to avoid credibility problems," said Pentagon spokesperson Marli Pryce. "Besides, the Quizno's representatives made an extremely compelling presentation."

Quizno's is a relatively new chain and a distant second to sub sandwich franchise leader Subway. However, Quizno's has sought to distinguish itself with a unique method of product preparation (its sandwiches are toasted) and edgy promotional campaigns.

"We love the subs!" said General Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in a press conference. "Because they are good to us. The Quiznos subs," he clarified. "They are tasty, they are crunchy, they are warm because they toast them."

"Moreover," added General Myers, "they got a pepper bar!"

Other contractors, including Subway, were disappointed to have lost the contract to Quizno's.

"Our corporation is in a much better position to fulfill the terms of this contract," said Subway vice president Clare Thompson. "We have eight times as many locations as Quizno's. And you can lose weight with Subway sandwiches. I hear our military could use that." Other corporations which apparently lost out in the secret bidding war include McDonald's, KFC, Planet Hollywood, and Piggly Wiggly.

"This is a disgrace," said Darren Soriano, a Halliburton spokesperson who talked with us on condition of anonymity. "The Halliburton menus provided balanced, peerless nutrition and variety. Our soldiers will be mighty sick of cold cuts before the first week is out, let me tell you. Our menus were a work of art."

"As were their bills," noted Myers.


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