Vol. 2, Issue 9, March 2, 2004
The Joy of Liquid Shrimp!
No Apologies Press

Martha Stewart Not Charged with Murder, Say Prosecutors

With the dismissal of the most serious fraud charges against Martha Stewart, prosecutors have clarified a list of other accusations that the self-made CEO is not being charged with.

"We just wanted to be clear on the charges which Ms. Stewart will not be prosecuted for in addition to the fraud charges," said prosecutor Michael Schacter. "We will not be pursuing charges of first degree murder, conspiracy, racketeering, or public exposure; nor will we be making any allegations of massive tax evasion via offshore accounts or drug-smuggling."

Reporters present were visibly concerned at the long list of charges that Stewart will not be charged with.

"Are you saying that there's no evidence whatsoever that Martha Stewart is involved in racketeering or conspiracy?" asked one reporter from the National Review. Schacter confirmed that this is the case, which led to a flurry of activity among the journalists present.

"We really have no evidence at all that Martha Stewart is a major figure in organized crime," he added. "It would be irresponsible for us to bring charges under such circumstances." Shares of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia fell nearly two dollars on the news.

Although this revelation has led to widespread concern among pundits nationwide, not to mention Wall Street, some are not concerned about the list of charges she is not being charged with.

"There has been a significant double standard involved here," said Mary Trichter, law professor at New York University. "Martha Stewart is facing serious inquiries which would never be raised against a male CEO. Her standard of behavior is only remarkable in that she is a woman, and a successful one who has built a virtual business empire on the strength of her personality."

"Moreover, listing crimes she's not being charged with is just a backhanded way of associating her name with the charges in the public eye. I would like to point out that lots of people are not being prosecuted for organized crime and murder," added Trichter. "Take the mayor, for example. Not a single charge is being brought against him, but I don't see the media making a circus about it."

Mayor Bloomberg's office vehemently disputed this statement.

"There is no reason to say the Mayor is not being charged with these charges, and the media ought to be ashamed of itself," said Bloomberg's office.

"Well, somebody should," said Trichter.

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